Yesterday night, I wish my friends would have told me it was St. Patty's day. Cause than I would have gone home to my dog. I don't know what it is about St. Patty's but people just don't act normal. Its like a full moon. People go ape shit. Dunno why.
For example: I go up to the bar last night to order the drinks for me and all my friends. I love it that its the alcoholic in the group getting everybody drinks. I mean, you can't be in a bar without a drink in your hand. Hello! And there's this guy. Remotely attractive sitting there alone at the bar. I stand beside him. And he says to me, "Sorry." I look at him. Confused. And ask in the most bitchy way possible, "Excuse me?" And he's like, "I'm sorry, its just, I'm not interested." And I was like what in the hell. I look at him appalled. I turned diva on his ass. I was like, "Excuse me? I'm sorry for making you think I was interested, ha." Rolled my eyes and leaned on bar and called to the bartender, "Hey James. The usual." With a nice loving smile. "Keep the change." And James was all like, "Thanks boo." And I was like, "I know." Remotely attractive guy turns to me and says, "Hope all those aren't for you." And I turn to him and I'm like, "These are for my friends. Something you lack this evening."
I drop the drinks off on the table my friends got. And I proceed to share them my trauma when one of my friends gives me the eye gesture that someone is approaching. I turn and look and its remotely attractive guy. He's all like, "You look like a vodka tonic kind of guy." And I'm like, "Oh really. Too bad. Drinks full." My friends were all like, "Hey, I'll take the free drink." I scolded them for accepting a hand-out. Plus, remotely attractive guy took this as a sign my friends approved of him. Sheesh. Never give a guy in a bar hope. God, haven't they learned anything from me.
He stands there and is all cocky and says to me, "Kiss me, I'm Irish." And I'm like, "Fuck you, I'm Asian." And he's all like, "No really, I'm Irish." And I'm like, "Fuck you. I'm Asian." He turns and walks away. My friends bash me. Telling me that I'm such a bitch and a diva. And I'm like, "Its a part of my game. I make guys feel like shit and they come back for more. Just watch."
Remotely attractive guy walks back, maybe hour later. And is all like, "You look like a ginger and bourbon kind of guy?" And I'm like, "Getting better. But, still have my own drink. And still, I don't need yours." My friends are all like, "Ignore him. He doesn't get out much." Wink. God I hate them. What was that suppose to mean? That I'm not whorish enough like you? At least I don't bump into somebody I have slept with every minute while out.
Anyway, I ended up going back to my house. I hate St. Patty's. But I didn't go home empty-handed. I took remotely attractive guy with me. Gotta love the Irish. They sure don't give up. Remember "Braveheart" LOL
And my friends? Well, lets just say one woke up with shit all over their junk. How classy, huh LOL Can't keep it down. Amateur.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Days 46-53 - To Swallow or Not to Swallow...And Other Good Housekeeping
To Swallow or Not to Swallow, that is the question? Screw Shakespeare. He got it wrong with the, "To be or not to be," bullshit.
Last night, I was invited by one of my best girlfriends for a girl's night out. She said (and I quote), "A girl's night is not a girl's night unless there is a gay guy." I'm not sure if I should be insulted and offended by this or flattered. I mean, I was put in center with all other gay guys. What makes me any different? What makes me special and/or unique? But...at least she thought of me, right??
Anyway, over cocktails one of her friends asked (directed towards me) about blowjobs. She was like, "how do you...you know....give them?" And I was completely caught off guard. There was another (shall not call her a girl for she is in an category all to herself) who was like, "Oh my gosh. That's inappropiate. What would Jesus think of this?" Jesus would think its normal and would be like stop being a Puritan and live a little. She was dressed very homely. She looked like she just got rescued from some cult reservation. She would be a perfect extra for HBO's "Big Love." So now you know, there was a Charlotte-type and than there was it. And here's me, the Samantha in the group.
Blowjobs are a natural part of our society. Look at lollipops, suckers, blowpops, popsicles, etc. The candy we received when we were little was preparing ourselves for when we would need to blow that guy. News flash: We live in a very overt sexual culture. There is no reason for people to ask the stupid question of "how to." You lick, you suck, pop, and repeat. Momma taught us not to play with our food, but in this case Momma says play with his balls all you want.
You should have seen the girl from the cult. She was all like "virgin ears," and holding her hands to her ears like ear muffs. And I was like, "Your ears aren't virgin honey! When was the last time you put a q-tip all up in your ear, huh?" She was offended. And plus I added for effect purposes, "And honey, dressed all like that, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine that you are sooo a virgin. I bet the only thing that licked that is your puppy dog." And everyone looked, stopped, froze for dramatic purposes and busted out laughing. And there is girl from the cult running away crying to the bathroom. Everybody stopped, froze, and continued to laugh as soon as she was out of sight and out of hearing. And than my best girlfriend was like, "I can not believe you! You are always like this! That was so mean and hurtful!" Well excuse me, but if I remember correctly you were laughing with everybody. But whatever. I am aware that I have lack of self-control. I say shit people wish to say. I say shit that I wish I wouldn't sometimes. People admire that quality about me, others find me superficial, narcissistic, and bitchy, which I tend to embrace anyway. I am who I am. Take me or leave me.
While my best girlfriend went to soothe girl from the cult, the others brought up the most important question to man. "Do you swallow?" And I'm like, hell yeah. Its rude not to. Its rude not to swallow.
No matter how hard you try, you can not make spitting out their warm secretion sweet or nice. It just....ruins the mood, in my honest blunt opinion.
"Can you get....AIDs from you know...swallowing?" The lack of sexual education in these girls was embarrassing. Of course you can't get AIDs or HIV or any STD from swallowing. The chances are like 1 in a million I think. Oral sex is much safer than penetration. Duh!
"I worry that I'm sloppy or I'm doing it bad." Have confidence, bitch. Just do it. Don't think about. Let it be. Just do. Go with the flow. And hell act like, "this is my first time. Am I doing this right?" Its a dick honey. Just bat your eyes and look at that guy and make some moaning "mmm" sounds.
Now for you guys. You can be sloppy. And you can do it all wrong. Girls are expected to be a little on the sloppy side. Guys are expected to know how to because they have a dick and because its expected that they play with their dicks (hence masturbation).
I've had a few guys who I were like, "I'm sorry. That just ruined it for me." One of my best friends is bisexual. One night we were out at a gay dance bar. She somehow finds a girl and presides to make-out full on on the couch at the bar. It was hot and heavy. I remember she came my way and she was running and hiding from that very drunk lesy. And I was all like, "How in hell did she find a lesy before I found a guy. I mean, hello, we are in a gay bar. What's wrong with this picture?" Continueing on though, my girlfriend said (and I quote), "I fingered her on the couch and she came. When she fingered me it was awful. It ruined it." It does. In this instance, its expected that girl should know how to finger. I mean, come on. Hello! We have lower expectations for the opposite sex. When its the same sex, we expect better. You know how "we" operate, or you are suppose to know.
Now on to deep-throating. Boys and girls if you do not know how: LEARN. Every modern porn video since circa 2000 features deep-throating. Practice on whatever is big or long enough. While you eat that hotdog, deep-throat. While eating that popsicle, deep-throat. Now you get my drift. No longer can you blame, "I have bad gag-reflexes." Its no longer an acceptable excuse.
And guys, please eat some pineapple. Do not make us suffer by having to swallow your nasty warm milk shit. That's just wrong! When I have to swallow that shit, I nearly gag to death. Remember you are what you eat. So please, start eating some more fruit. Thus, you will be sweet LOL
In conclusion, its never NOT okay to not swallow. What are you thinking? Do not spit that warm milky secretion out... No Matter How Nasty That Shit Might Taste! Just close your eyes, hold your breath. Hey, remember Love Potion #9 (~o^)
Love ya XOXO 1010
Last night, I was invited by one of my best girlfriends for a girl's night out. She said (and I quote), "A girl's night is not a girl's night unless there is a gay guy." I'm not sure if I should be insulted and offended by this or flattered. I mean, I was put in center with all other gay guys. What makes me any different? What makes me special and/or unique? But...at least she thought of me, right??
Anyway, over cocktails one of her friends asked (directed towards me) about blowjobs. She was like, "how do you...you know....give them?" And I was completely caught off guard. There was another (shall not call her a girl for she is in an category all to herself) who was like, "Oh my gosh. That's inappropiate. What would Jesus think of this?" Jesus would think its normal and would be like stop being a Puritan and live a little. She was dressed very homely. She looked like she just got rescued from some cult reservation. She would be a perfect extra for HBO's "Big Love." So now you know, there was a Charlotte-type and than there was it. And here's me, the Samantha in the group.
Blowjobs are a natural part of our society. Look at lollipops, suckers, blowpops, popsicles, etc. The candy we received when we were little was preparing ourselves for when we would need to blow that guy. News flash: We live in a very overt sexual culture. There is no reason for people to ask the stupid question of "how to." You lick, you suck, pop, and repeat. Momma taught us not to play with our food, but in this case Momma says play with his balls all you want.
You should have seen the girl from the cult. She was all like "virgin ears," and holding her hands to her ears like ear muffs. And I was like, "Your ears aren't virgin honey! When was the last time you put a q-tip all up in your ear, huh?" She was offended. And plus I added for effect purposes, "And honey, dressed all like that, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine that you are sooo a virgin. I bet the only thing that licked that is your puppy dog." And everyone looked, stopped, froze for dramatic purposes and busted out laughing. And there is girl from the cult running away crying to the bathroom. Everybody stopped, froze, and continued to laugh as soon as she was out of sight and out of hearing. And than my best girlfriend was like, "I can not believe you! You are always like this! That was so mean and hurtful!" Well excuse me, but if I remember correctly you were laughing with everybody. But whatever. I am aware that I have lack of self-control. I say shit people wish to say. I say shit that I wish I wouldn't sometimes. People admire that quality about me, others find me superficial, narcissistic, and bitchy, which I tend to embrace anyway. I am who I am. Take me or leave me.
While my best girlfriend went to soothe girl from the cult, the others brought up the most important question to man. "Do you swallow?" And I'm like, hell yeah. Its rude not to. Its rude not to swallow.
No matter how hard you try, you can not make spitting out their warm secretion sweet or nice. It just....ruins the mood, in my honest blunt opinion.
"Can you get....AIDs from you know...swallowing?" The lack of sexual education in these girls was embarrassing. Of course you can't get AIDs or HIV or any STD from swallowing. The chances are like 1 in a million I think. Oral sex is much safer than penetration. Duh!
"I worry that I'm sloppy or I'm doing it bad." Have confidence, bitch. Just do it. Don't think about. Let it be. Just do. Go with the flow. And hell act like, "this is my first time. Am I doing this right?" Its a dick honey. Just bat your eyes and look at that guy and make some moaning "mmm" sounds.
Now for you guys. You can be sloppy. And you can do it all wrong. Girls are expected to be a little on the sloppy side. Guys are expected to know how to because they have a dick and because its expected that they play with their dicks (hence masturbation).
I've had a few guys who I were like, "I'm sorry. That just ruined it for me." One of my best friends is bisexual. One night we were out at a gay dance bar. She somehow finds a girl and presides to make-out full on on the couch at the bar. It was hot and heavy. I remember she came my way and she was running and hiding from that very drunk lesy. And I was all like, "How in hell did she find a lesy before I found a guy. I mean, hello, we are in a gay bar. What's wrong with this picture?" Continueing on though, my girlfriend said (and I quote), "I fingered her on the couch and she came. When she fingered me it was awful. It ruined it." It does. In this instance, its expected that girl should know how to finger. I mean, come on. Hello! We have lower expectations for the opposite sex. When its the same sex, we expect better. You know how "we" operate, or you are suppose to know.
Now on to deep-throating. Boys and girls if you do not know how: LEARN. Every modern porn video since circa 2000 features deep-throating. Practice on whatever is big or long enough. While you eat that hotdog, deep-throat. While eating that popsicle, deep-throat. Now you get my drift. No longer can you blame, "I have bad gag-reflexes." Its no longer an acceptable excuse.
And guys, please eat some pineapple. Do not make us suffer by having to swallow your nasty warm milk shit. That's just wrong! When I have to swallow that shit, I nearly gag to death. Remember you are what you eat. So please, start eating some more fruit. Thus, you will be sweet LOL
In conclusion, its never NOT okay to not swallow. What are you thinking? Do not spit that warm milky secretion out... No Matter How Nasty That Shit Might Taste! Just close your eyes, hold your breath. Hey, remember Love Potion #9 (~o^)
Love ya XOXO 1010
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Days 36-45 - Debt Collectors
I have a shopping problem. I'm not a shopaholic. I just like to buy things that end up being stored in my closest with the price tag still on. What's worse are sales? I love sales.
I have maxed out 5 credit cards. And today I'm starting to get the round of creditor calls. They totally know how to ruin a perfectly great day. I mean, on the way to work today I saw this amazing jacket in the window. My card declined. You know how depressing and embarrassing that is??? Anyway, I opened card number 6 today. I have another $3000 dollars to max out. It's so much fun. I love getting free money....well in a sense its free. Right???
But, back to the creditors. They are awful. I hate those people. They are soul-suckers. They know how to eat at you. I feel like scum when I'm on the phone with them. They called from a new number. Another number that I'll have to end up blocking. They are getting smart. But they were like, "How much are you able to pay today?" And I was like, "What are you talking about? What debt are you talking about?" I like to bullshit these people. Like, I'm just plain stupid. I don't pay anything. If I wasn't suppose to have that card, than I shouldn't have been able to get that card. And its their fault for giving me a $3000 spending limit. You know how much shit that equates to??? Can you believe, $3000 only lasts me like 4-5 months??? I know, but I have fun. I love shopping. If I'm not able to afford it, that's the beauty of a credit card. I'll pay it back.....later maybe. When I have the money. Just not now. I can't afford it. LOL
Do you think its easy to look fabulous????? It takes time to look like this. You know, like a piece of art. I'm a masterpiece.
I have maxed out 5 credit cards. And today I'm starting to get the round of creditor calls. They totally know how to ruin a perfectly great day. I mean, on the way to work today I saw this amazing jacket in the window. My card declined. You know how depressing and embarrassing that is??? Anyway, I opened card number 6 today. I have another $3000 dollars to max out. It's so much fun. I love getting free money....well in a sense its free. Right???
But, back to the creditors. They are awful. I hate those people. They are soul-suckers. They know how to eat at you. I feel like scum when I'm on the phone with them. They called from a new number. Another number that I'll have to end up blocking. They are getting smart. But they were like, "How much are you able to pay today?" And I was like, "What are you talking about? What debt are you talking about?" I like to bullshit these people. Like, I'm just plain stupid. I don't pay anything. If I wasn't suppose to have that card, than I shouldn't have been able to get that card. And its their fault for giving me a $3000 spending limit. You know how much shit that equates to??? Can you believe, $3000 only lasts me like 4-5 months??? I know, but I have fun. I love shopping. If I'm not able to afford it, that's the beauty of a credit card. I'll pay it back.....later maybe. When I have the money. Just not now. I can't afford it. LOL
Do you think its easy to look fabulous????? It takes time to look like this. You know, like a piece of art. I'm a masterpiece.
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