Days 46-53 - To Swallow or Not to Swallow...And Other Good Housekeeping

To Swallow or Not to Swallow, that is the question? Screw Shakespeare. He got it wrong with the, "To be or not to be," bullshit.

Last night, I was invited by one of my best girlfriends for a girl's night out. She said (and I quote), "A girl's night is not a girl's night unless there is a gay guy." I'm not sure if I should be insulted and offended by this or flattered. I mean, I was put in center with all other gay guys. What makes me any different? What makes me special and/or unique? But...at least she thought of me, right??

Anyway, over cocktails one of her friends asked (directed towards me) about blowjobs. She was like, "how do you...you know....give them?" And I was completely caught off guard. There was another (shall not call her a girl for she is in an category all to herself) who was like, "Oh my gosh. That's inappropiate. What would Jesus think of this?" Jesus would think its normal and would be like stop being a Puritan and live a little. She was dressed very homely. She looked like she just got rescued from some cult reservation. She would be a perfect extra for HBO's "Big Love." So now you know, there was a Charlotte-type and than there was it. And here's me, the Samantha in the group.

Blowjobs are a natural part of our society. Look at lollipops, suckers, blowpops, popsicles, etc. The candy we received when we were little was preparing ourselves for when we would need to blow that guy. News flash: We live in a very overt sexual culture. There is no reason for people to ask the stupid question of "how to." You lick, you suck, pop, and repeat. Momma taught us not to play with our food, but in this case Momma says play with his balls all you want.

You should have seen the girl from the cult. She was all like "virgin ears," and holding her hands to her ears like ear muffs. And I was like, "Your ears aren't virgin honey! When was the last time you put a q-tip all up in your ear, huh?" She was offended. And plus I added for effect purposes, "And honey, dressed all like that, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine that you are sooo a virgin. I bet the only thing that licked that is your puppy dog." And everyone looked, stopped, froze for dramatic purposes and busted out laughing. And there is girl from the cult running away crying to the bathroom. Everybody stopped, froze, and continued to laugh as soon as she was out of sight and out of hearing. And than my best girlfriend was like, "I can not believe you! You are always like this! That was so mean and hurtful!" Well excuse me, but if I remember correctly you were laughing with everybody. But whatever. I am aware that I have lack of self-control. I say shit people wish to say. I say shit that I wish I wouldn't sometimes. People admire that quality about me, others find me superficial, narcissistic, and bitchy, which I tend to embrace anyway. I am who I am. Take me or leave me.

While my best girlfriend went to soothe girl from the cult, the others brought up the most important question to man. "Do you swallow?" And I'm like, hell yeah. Its rude not to. Its rude not to swallow.

No matter how hard you try, you can not make spitting out their warm secretion sweet or nice. It just....ruins the mood, in my honest blunt opinion.

"Can you get....AIDs from you know...swallowing?" The lack of sexual education in these girls was embarrassing. Of course you can't get AIDs or HIV or any STD from swallowing. The chances are like 1 in a million I think. Oral sex is much safer than penetration. Duh!

"I worry that I'm sloppy or I'm doing it bad." Have confidence, bitch. Just do it. Don't think about. Let it be. Just do. Go with the flow. And hell act like, "this is my first time. Am I doing this right?" Its a dick honey. Just bat your eyes and look at that guy and make some moaning "mmm" sounds.

Now for you guys. You can be sloppy. And you can do it all wrong. Girls are expected to be a little on the sloppy side. Guys are expected to know how to because they have a dick and because its expected that they play with their dicks (hence masturbation).

I've had a few guys who I were like, "I'm sorry. That just ruined it for me." One of my best friends is bisexual. One night we were out at a gay dance bar. She somehow finds a girl and presides to make-out full on on the couch at the bar. It was hot and heavy. I remember she came my way and she was running and hiding from that very drunk lesy. And I was all like, "How in hell did she find a lesy before I found a guy. I mean, hello, we are in a gay bar. What's wrong with this picture?" Continueing on though, my girlfriend said (and I quote), "I fingered her on the couch and she came. When she fingered me it was awful. It ruined it." It does. In this instance, its expected that girl should know how to finger. I mean, come on. Hello! We have lower expectations for the opposite sex. When its the same sex, we expect better. You know how "we" operate, or you are suppose to know.

Now on to deep-throating. Boys and girls if you do not know how: LEARN. Every modern porn video since circa 2000 features deep-throating. Practice on whatever is big or long enough. While you eat that hotdog, deep-throat. While eating that popsicle, deep-throat. Now you get my drift. No longer can you blame, "I have bad gag-reflexes." Its no longer an acceptable excuse.

And guys, please eat some pineapple. Do not make us suffer by having to swallow your nasty warm milk shit. That's just wrong! When I have to swallow that shit, I nearly gag to death. Remember you are what you eat. So please, start eating some more fruit. Thus, you will be sweet LOL

In conclusion, its never NOT okay to not swallow. What are you thinking? Do not spit that warm milky secretion out... No Matter How Nasty That Shit Might Taste! Just close your eyes, hold your breath. Hey, remember Love Potion #9 (~o^)

Love ya XOXO 1010