First and Foremost Love Thyself

Self-esteem is defined as how you regard or value yourself, the opinions or judgments that you hold for yourself, and in the context of relationships, the source of power that starts inside of an individual and radiates out to others.

This is an honest perspective, which I am just as guilty of and in which I'm learning how to change on a daily basis. A good friend of mine once proclaimed, "Love always begins with yourself. You must love yourself first in order to love others. Love is a two-way street of giving and receiving. You can't give away the gift of love unless you possess it within yourself in the first place. And you can't receive and accept love if you don't feel deep inside that you deserve it."

Reasons why having low self-esteem will drag a relationship down: First, it is simply unattractive to potential love partners because it brings them down emotionally. Second, having low self-esteem prevents you from performing at your best. And finally, when someone has a low opinion of themselves, they send an unconscious message out to others that there must be something wrong with them.

Build people up; don't knock them down: Putting down others to make yourself feel more attractive is not a sustainable or desirable method for empowering your life. Choose a more enlightening approach to living life instead by building other people up and thereby raising your own self-esteem as a natural by-product. At least, that's what I've heard. Or at least, what I'm told. I'm extremely guilty of this. I unconsciously knock everyone around me down. Just because its a joke, doesn't mean it won't hurt. People don't like jerks and most definitely don't want to be around an asshole.

In order to attract love into your life, the first place to start is by improving the relationship you have with yourself. By doing this, you'll be sending out an unmistakable signal to the universe that you are a person of incredible value, and any right person would be crazy not to love and cherish you!

I'm quite sure a lot of you guys and gals will quickly say that they love themselves, while in reality you weaken your own power in unintentional and often overlooked ways like self-talk. We tend to be the worst at knocking ourselves down. Don't forget how we treat ourselves, how talk about ourselves. I'm guilty of this. I'm not sure when I told myself, "You are amazing. You make me proud. You are incredible. I love you, I mean, me LOL." So be smart and love yourself first and foremost.

Rediscover your overlooked personal strengths. There is a popular saying that goes, "It ain't bragging if it's true." In your private moments, be sure to take some time out to remember some of your often-overlooked positive qualities. Why wait around for someone else to give you an uplifting and empowering personal compliment, when nobody knows you better than you do? When your personal power starts to run low, be the first one to do a little bragging in the name of love.

Stop living to please others. Most of us were raised to try to please other people, whether it was our parents, teachers, coaches, friends, or other family members. But as adults, there is a limit to how much energy we can spend on pleasing others before it is at the expense of our own desires. You can show how much you truly love yourself by choosing to prioritize your own needs over those of others. After an initial adjustment, this strategy will end up freeing up more positive energy in your life, which other people will find naturally attractive.

Practice more compassion for others. When we put ourselves in other people's shoes and feel empathy for their challenges, we are practicing compassion. This emotion helps us to open up our hearts and value other people. Even a small act, like looking people in the eye and saying "hello," sends a clear message to that other person that they matter. A simple, yet profound principle to remember is that you can’t elevate another person’s self-esteem without also elevating your own.

Learn to laugh at yourself. We would all agree that having a great sense of humor is attractive to others. And when we are able to direct this humor toward ourselves, it offers multiple benefits. First, it acts like a safety valve and takes off some of the pressure of everyday living. Secondly, it prevents us from taking ourselves too seriously. Also, it can prevent us from being too hard on ourselves when we don’t measure up to our own high expectations. Lightening things up has the attractive side-benefit of putting others at ease, too! They don’t have to worry that we’ll be too hard on them also.

 

Say positive things that boast your self esteem. Uh, duh! Your ability to rediscover and reaffirm your best human qualities will greatly affect how much you truly like and respect yourself. The more often you repeat this exercise with emotional intensity and congruent physiology, the more immune you will be to the negative comments of others. That way, you’ll naturally become more attractive to everyone including the opposite sex.

List your personal breakthroughs. We all have proud moments when we were able to overcome a particular challenge successfully. Taking an inventory of these breakthrough moments and appreciating our progress can raise our self-esteem. What accomplishments are you most proud of? Make sure that you create a list of your breakthroughs and put it somewhere where you can look at it regularly. Remind yourself of how wonderful and courageous you truly are.

Stop the critic inside you. There is an internal voice within each of us that likes to remind us of our fears and limitations. When faced with a major challenge, this voice will often proclaim, "No you can't!" So it is our responsibility and duty to quiet that self-sabotaging voice. Listen instead to the powerful inspiration of your own inner and outer voice with repeated positive statements like "Yes, I can!" and "If it's to be, it's up to me.' When possible, do this in front of a mirror. By reinforcing the message that you send yourself with strong tonality, sincere emotion, and congruent facial expressions, you'll be replacing your inner critic with a private cheerleader. This is a great way to raise and maintain a high self-esteem.

Get comfortable with your own body. It’s also important to accept and appreciate yourself on a physical level. While we can't all have "the perfect body," it's a good practice to remove any awkwardness or shyness that we may have with ourselves. A constructive thing to do is to stop thinking about how flawed your body looks and to start paying attention to how healthy your body is becoming. The healthiness of your body is something that you can have immediate control over through diet, discipline, exercise, and relaxation. And the bottom line is that a healthy body is a sexy body, which is all you really need to convey to men and, more importantly, to yourself.

Accept compliments graciously. Many people have difficulty accepting compliments. They will often respond by lowering their heads or saying something to minimize the compliment. The internal effect is that you rob yourself of the self-esteem boost that you could be receiving from the other person. Instead of rejecting the next compliment, be ready to accept it graciously by holding your head high and saying, “Thank you.” Do this and you will also allow the sender of the compliment to enjoy the gift of giving. 

Treat yourself to well-deserved rewards. It is a healthy practice to reward yourself periodically with special treats. That way, you’ll be sending a clear message to yourself that you deserve to be treated well. If you don’t feel worthy of accepting rewards in life, how can you expect another person to feel that you’re worthy of their attention and love? Small indulgences like a trip to the spa for a facial and massage may do more than just make your body feel better. Such special treatment revitalizes the essential spirit of self-esteem, and it will power your love life.

I stole these secret tips from a girlfriend of mine. I think she said she got these ideas from Oprah. Go figure, right?! She's the 'queen of self-help" LOL I'm just gonna come right out and say this: Dating absolutely just sucks! This is especially true if we are unintentionally sabotaging ourselves and inadvertently scaring away all the guys. That's not what we want to do! But, however, dating can rock if and only if we start loving ourselves first and send out a clear signal to these stupid prospective boys that we're a special mate who rightly deserves to be recognized, appreciated, and loved.

Feel free...

Hey lovelies~

Feel free to email me your stories, questions, etc. I promise I won't share and/or post.

Okay, if I do share or if I do post, which I will most likely do anyway, I promise to not reveal your identity. I'll change things around. It will be our dirty little secret. Cheers!

selfrecoveringaddict@gmail.com

XOXO
Addict

Being Asian, Gay, and Single: The Misconceptions

This weekend, I went to a birthday party for my cousin’s son. And in Korean culture, the first birthday (or Dol) is the grandest of celebrations. If you aren't familiar with the Korean custom of Dol, I'll try to feel you in, quickly.

Part one is the prayer. The grandmother (this case, my aunt, or emo) prays to God thanking him for the birth of the child into the family and to bless the child, by giving him a long life, good luck, and happiness.

Part two is the feast Korean style. You can just imagine the loads of food. Every Korean dish imaginable on display.

Part three is the what the child is going to grab. Laying out in front of the child is a brush, money, rice, etc. Whatever the child picks up is said to predict his future. Whatever.

As the only single person in a sea of married kin and their kids, or cousins bringing the blokes of dates, I found myself experiencing the greatest misconception about being unattached.

It happened during a conversation with a married relative who also happens to be a new mom. We hadn’t seen each other in more than a year, so I excitedly filled her in on my two Dating Blitzes and landing an assistant job to a fashion designer. Her response?

“Are you seeing anyone?” Because this is the most important question for any Asian person. The implication, of course, being that my relationship status is what matters more than anything else.

"Why are you single?" she asks. Because of course, there must be a reason. Something must be tremendously wrong with me. Come on.

"I know a cute Korean girl, who I can set you up with." Koreans love matchmaking. I do not know why. They just do. Its cultural. I might be Korean, but I'm just not use to it.

To which I responded, "I'm gay, remember?"

Her response, "Just let me know when you're ready. I'll be more than happy to introduce you two. I just know you will like her. She's perfect for you."

My family is clueless and oblivious to me being gay, or rather choose to be. Because gaydom can not effect Koreans. Impossible, right?! Koreans and any other Asian race can not be affected by the gay epidemic? Wrong. Totally wrong. Gaydom is not some western disease LOL

I have admitted to being gay to my family, but they choose to deny that I am. My own mother says, "It just phase. You just confused. You not gay. Gay not exist." Ignorance is bliss, huh?

The assumption being I'm not ready for marriage. And marriage is between a man and a woman. That I'm not ready to settle down. That I'm not ready to grow up. That I want fun. That when the time's right, I'll stop being gay and marry somebody my family "approves of." Meaning, I must deny myself. That I must deny and stop being gay. I must deny my own happiness, for the happiness of my family and the appearances of our "Christian" family, which also leads to being gay and Christian can not coexist.

“Are you going out tonight?” she continued.

Assumption number two — that because it’s Saturday and I’m single, I must be heading out on the town.

What irked me about both questions is the underlying presumption that if you’re single, your primary preoccupation is to find a way not to be, that you can’t possibly be living a full, happy life without a significant other.

A good friend of mine made the valid point that, when you blog about your dating life, it inevitably invites questions on the subject. Understood. But I still maintain this line of interrogation is all too common from married or partnered up people — as though they can no longer appreciate what it means to be single and content.

Would I like to meet someone and a start a family? Of course. Do I picture myself marrying a woman to make my family happy? Of course not. And this will be a hard one to do: To choose my own happiness over my own family's. But do I choose a life of misery, which will lead to an eventual divorce, or the possibility of true love and happiness? Do I spend my days dwelling on it or structuring my existence solely to make it happen? Absolutely not. I’m thankful for the many wonderful people and pursuits that enrich my life, for the adventures and opportunities flying solo affords me.

Those who’ve left singlehood behind would do well to remember that.

Here's my blessing to my cousin's son: I hope he grows up and becomes a man who is loving, accepting, and tolerant. I hope he grows up around love and exemplifies love, that he emulates love to others, even complete strangers. I hope he grows up and doesn't prejudge people based on gender, race, and sexuality. I hope he gives people a chance. I hope he grows up and is patient, quick not to fight or to anger. I hope he thinks of his actions and how those actions affect those around him, before he makes a decision. I hope he grows up and becomes a man, content and happy. I want him to grow up and be proud of the individual that he is. I hope he grows up and is not worried of what others perceive him to be. And I'll love him, simply because.

Post-Weiner, Post-Musician, Post-Relationship: My Stance on Cheating

I think most Americans of sick of hearing about Rep. Weiner, and yes, I know I'm a little late in weighing in on this. But, life got busy my friends. When you deal with a bitch for a boss, a mad queen, a zombie's nightmare, you will understand what I mean.

My question that I ask is simply this: If you never meet your online relationship in the flesh, does that mean you didn't cheat?

With social networking, the way to meet people has changed. Our introductions with people in cyberspace often feels like real, genuine encounters. Rep. Weiner referred to his girlfriends as "women that [he] met on Facebook" or online. So, Weiner did admit to meeting these women, just not admitting to the fact that they were relationships.

Weiner called his interactions with these women as mere communications with and not a relationship. A relationship implies infidelity. Communication, on the other hand, suggests mere flirting. The congressman was flirting with these women. He has admitted to fooling around with women online, but he refuses to acknowledge that his actions were unfaithful. What's worth debating now isn't what he did, but what it means. Increasingly, sexual adventures outside of marriage are taking place online. Is this cheating? Or is it something less, as long as you don't touch one another?

I caught my musician boyfriend cheating online. In the very act of sexual activity. Masturbating to some bloke in cyberworld. My friends asked would it have made a difference if he was jerking off to some cunt. But I don't think there is any difference. The act is the act. What he did was wrong. And I feel I would have reacted in the same way. Throwing the guy out of my apartment.

Weiner and my ex-musician boyfriend both had online encounters. They both admitted, or were rather caught, fooling around. However, they both never thought their actions were unfaithful. They never thought they were cheating.

But they had intentions of infidelity. Yes, they never physically had sex with their online relationship. But they spoke of their intentions in words, in pictures, and in some cases videos.

And this coming from a shameless person who speaks publicly of his encounters with men. I'm open to relationships where couples agree to affairs, but speak of these. Communicate. Talk. Tell me you want to fuck somebody else. Tell me. Let me know. Don't let me find out about it like its some bad dirty little secret.

I cheat. I have cheated. But I let my relationships know of my actions and my intentions. I'm honest. And I would like to be treated with the same dignity, with the same respect.

What do you guys think? Can an open relationship last? Weigh in. XOXO

The One Night Stand

Update since last time: The musician and I broke up. He's the guy I caught...

Is it strange to go home with a boy if you have no intention of having sex with him? Is it stranger still to tell him you have no intention of sleeping with him before you agree to go home with him?

Last night, I met a boy at a bar. Well, not so sure if I met him at the bar or the club, because I remember seeing him at both places. I’m not accusing the guy of stalking and/or admitting to being a stalker.

After spending hours dancing with my friends, the boy approaches, waits for the approval, and goes in for his move. He pulls me into his groins and maneuvers me into his arms. I normally wouldn’t have taken too nicely in feeling like some sort of cheap ass, being approached and bumped and grind up on, but seeing as how, I just got out of a 4-month relationship, where I caught the guy masturbating to some other guy over Skype, I’m more open in meeting people in whatever means necessary.

After spending what felt like hours dancing together, the topic of our post-club night plans came up. At one point, we took a break from dancing to get some fresh air, or rather a cigarette break, during which he offered me a light, to which I humbly declined, stating, “I’m breaking the habit.” He proceeded to smoke, huffing, and blowing smoke rings, as if he’s trying to impress me. The chill night air danced around us. He broke the silence by asking, “What do you do?” It turned out that he was a budding writer. I told him I’m photography enthusiast.

I agreed to go home with him, mostly because the thought of riding my bike back to my place at 2:30 am seemed daunting, especially under the circumstances of alcohol. In the taxi, on the way to his apartment, I told him that I had no intention of sleeping with him. To which he responded, “I merely invited you to my place” and he laughed it off coyly.

Upon our arrival at his rent-controlled two-bedroom apartment, he whispers to me, “We need to be quiet.” He explains that his roommate goes to sleep early, because of work. However, in our current states, no matter how hard we tried to be quiet, we just couldn’t. We ended up disturbing his roommate, who replied, “Is that you, Brian?” To which any sane robber would have said, “Yes, Grandma. Go back to sleep.” Excuse me? Grandma. Turns out, Brian shares a room with his grandmother, who has lived there since the fifties, and I’m thinking, “What did I get myself into?”

Despite the absurdity of this, he took out a typewriter. I stood, or was I sitting on his bed, staring at this boy, who I didn’t picture to be a skinny-jean-clad youth hipster. But he proclaims, he likes the nostalgia, the aesthetic of typing on what many would consider a bulky piece of metal junk. Strangely enough, we took turns sitting at his typewriter and free writing. We shared our respective pieces: mine, mostly about the difficulty of writing on a typewriter when one is drunk, and his, a candid revelation of what he would rather be doing (which he took some creative liberties with).

He then shared his poetry with me, which wasn’t half bad. Next was the discussion on on politics, morality, religion, and every other issue. At which point, I wondered how more cliche the night could get. To my surprise, he leaned in and kissed me passionately. We made out on the floor. To which he decides to whisper in my ear, to get in bed.

That’s when things got weird. You see, I just really wanted to sleep. The make out session was a mistake. He really wanted to do the kinds of things people who met at a club and go home with each other do. We briefly made out again and then I either fell asleep or passed out. I can’t remember. You can imagine his disappointment.

In the morning we did the awkward goodbye. He didn’t ask me for my number. His grandma said it was lovely to meet me. As I descended the steps of his apartment building I pondered the previous evening. He clearly invited me home hoping for some kind of sexual gratification and at least a part of me knew this. Which led me to wonder what really possessed me to go home with him. Is it odd to want to go back to a stranger’s apartment just to not have to be home alone? Does every invitation from a male to spend the night include the hope of orgasm? I have no idea but I am really glad I did not have sex with Brian, guy from the club. I am still coming off the heels of a break-up and I am pretty sure if I’d had sex with him it would have been ill-advised. That said, I also don’t regret going home with him. Despite my teasing, I did enjoy the writing, poetry, and discussion portion of the evening. It was an adventure of sorts, and probably the best one night stand I’ve ever had.

I would like to state for the record that it sucks to go home alone. I go home to nothing greeting me and an empty bed. And also, cabs are expensive and it seems like the subways basically stop running after midnight. So I hope you guys can sympathize with my desire to find a place to crash, sort of speak.

Days 81-83 - Pros and Cons

I had this saved. And forgot I didn't post. My new job is so way demanding. Apologies. I'm going to find more time to make updates.

Pros of my new assistant job with an upcoming fashion designer

1. Clothes. I get free clothes. Yes, they are last years designs, but nobody knows that. Except for those in the fashion world. But I say, men's fashion doesn't change as much as the trends in women's fashion.
2. Alcohol. Any fashion event you go to has cocktails. Cocktails or wine for free. People in fashion love to party and get drunk. They might not eat, but they love to drink. Guess that's how all the models stay thin.
3. VIP. I get to go to so many major premier parties. I get to meet and mingle with celebrities. At first I was like OMG and in shock, but now I'm use to it. Oh, big deal. Like you're important LOL

Cons of my new assistant job with an upcoming fashion designer

1. She's crazy. She's a bitch. One moment she wants a tall, soy, vanilla latte with no whip. Than she picks it up and looks at me like I'm crazy, "This is hot. I wanted it warm." Excuse me. I'm pretty sure I can not request a tall, soy, vanilla latte with no whip not hot but warmed. Than she'll tell me to go fetch her some sashimi assortment. I arrive with the assorted sashimi and she picks it up and looks at me like I'm crazy, "This is warm. I wanted it cold." Excuse me. Again, the bitch is crazy. 
2. Calls. She calls me. Even while I'm at work, she calls me. She doesn't even know my name. She calls me her glory Asian, her charity case. Like all of Asia is in the Third World. She calls me more in one day than anybody should.
3. Gays. No offense. Yes, I'm gay. But the gays of the fashion world are awful. They have this elite closeted world that's like a sorority/fraternity and any new gay that enters "their" said world is an outcast. The gay fashion designers are the worse. The celebrity hairstylists are next. And than its downhill from their.

My new job is Monday-Saturday from way before sunrise to way after sunset, plus some wee hours into the night, because I must assist the fashion designer at her events. And rarely do I really have a Sunday off. People in the fashion world are assumed to be not so intelligent, so I have a lot to do. Make sure she's current on everything, even politics, which bores me. I'm so looking to getting off. Tonight I'm going to see the musician perform with his band. That should be fun. I need to get away from this materialist, selfish, I'm-better-than-you mentality world. The fashion world is like high school all over again, with more access to drugs and alcohol and the acceptance of eating disorders. I mean come on, that skinny model bitch can not be that size. She's 5'10" and wears like a triple zero. Not possible. Eat some KFC fried chicken. Eat a Big Mac. Eat something bitch. I might be gay, but I could so break you in two. In this case I'm the stronger bitch. That's funny. Who would ever think I would be strong?! For the life of me I've always been the whimp. And I workout religiously. Daily almost.

Days 75-80 - An Evening with Friends

Update:  Before I go any further into this new post I just wanted to share with everyone, who might've been worried about me, that I have indeed found a new job. I am now an assistant to a fashion designer. It was by an act of grace and of Jesus fucking Christ that I found this job.

Its sad, when post-graduates, twenty-somethings, must plan days, weeks, maybe months ahead to get together and catch up. But, its the time when lives drift apart... again.

Anyway, there I am with all my close friends. The musician (he's in a acoustic band that's just my kind of style, I've only heard him play once), the aspiring actress (another?! who isn't these days?!), the jock, my best friend, and the couple (friends turned relationship whores). Speaking of the couple, it was an adjustment that I think everyone in the group had to get use to. I mean, they don't naturally seem to be ideal and they were always opposites and they never really ever got along. We all said they have a clear love-hate relationship. Now its just weird to see them together cooperating and being all lovey-dovey.

Everyone had updates. Somehow, I just sat in the back taking everything in. Drinking my cocktails. I think I was already on my second one. Me and my best friend were busy whispering and laughing like old times. She's my best girlfriend. She's my call to everything stressful that life has to offer.

The musician. He shared that he's going to be playing at a pretty big venue coming up. He's going to be an opening act, some were excited, others not too much. The jock opened his mouth and said, "When are you going to set down that guitar of yours and realize its time to grow up and get a real job." I mean, I thought we were all friends. Don't friends support each other? It caused a bit of a friction amongst all of us.

The jock. Told everyone that he thinks he met the "one." That he's looking for the perfect diamond for her. He's about to finish law school. Looking for a job. And still a jerk, arrogant prick since the first time I could remember. He's so straight laced. He refuses to even enter any gay place out of fear that he might be associated with us homosexuals. I'm mainly his glory friend so he can say he's not homophobic, cause he has a friend whose gay. Plus me and my best friend are the only ethnic ones in the group. Korean and Indian American. So he can play the race card too.

The actress. Finally got her first big audition win. She's an understudy for a new musical (big deal, that just means you weren't good enough. That's just a nice way of saying, "You sucked.") Everyone is excited for her. She's thrilled. She just lights up. We ask her all sorts of questions. She answers in her usual very quick and jumpy sort of way. She's very spastic. And the jock eyes her from all sides and all over. He gives her the sex eyes. It was disgusting to watch. I wanted to slap myself. And especially, as how he just got through with telling everybody that he wants to marry somebody. That means, stop giving sex eyes. The actress saw the eyes of the jock. She basically just teased him on. This can not be good. The two of them....ewww. Gross. And so much for finding the "one," huh.

The best friend. Reveals to everyone that she's engaged. I turn. Look at the person sitting next to me. Her. In shock. How could she just reveal this to me in this sort of way? Does she not respect me to let me know before everyone else? I nearly spewed the cocktail in my mouth. When did he propose? Everybody is all congratulatory. Except for me. "Its been about two months now," she says weakly. She sees my expression. Everybody is all like two months, why the big secret? She says simply she's been busy, a lots been going on, and its just been a busy time for everybody. But we talk weekly. You couldn't feel me in on that update in your life. Its not that exciting of news anyway she stated. Uhm, yes it is. I ask about her plans. Everybody looks shocked. Like I've should already have known. I'm with everybody on that one. She's like she's moving to Columbus, Ohio in less than two months. I'm like what? Are you kidding me? She sees how I'm not thrilled for her. Should I be? She's deciding to hold off on grad school. Gonna move, etc. Me and her got serious ackward the rest of the evening.

The couple shared that they are expecting a child. They are looking into marriage. Looking at buying a house. And I'm all like aren't you guys moving too fast?! And everybody thought I was being mean, because obviously they love each other, etc. Whatever. I just not a proponent for marriages just cause somebody's pregnant. And I just want to voice another opinion, to just sit on your ass and think before you act. Don't act on something this important right away. Give it some time.

Me. Shared my update. That I'm working for a fashion designer as an assistant. Everybody is like when are you going to get serious and try to do something real with your life. Everybody bashed me. Saying I'm still living a lie. That I haven't changed since college. I need to get serious. The musician didn't even say that to me. He was all like, let him do what he wants. They were all like, "What do you want to do?" And I said, "Obviously you guys don't know me enough to know what I want to be." I mean, I graduated, took some time off from school to work. I want to work at a magazine company. And nobody knows that apparently. But whatever. I sat back and just ranted. Told each and every single one of them what jerks they were. And I bounced. Even the musician left with me. How did that happen? We aren't even that close. To me, his just another member of the group. One whom I never got to know.

We went to a cool place that he knew of. We talked. Never knew how much alike we were and yet different we were. Can not believe that the actress wasn't even defending ourselves, we both agreed. For being a straight guy, I'm starting to have a bromance with him. We didn't even realize that tonight is karoake. He decided to sign both of us up (without my knowledge and he picked my song). They called my name to sing Britney's "...Baby One More Time." I wanted to kill that guy for setting me up for disaster and embarrassment, but he's just smiling all devilishly. Half-way through I was like lets do this. I think I totally smashed that performance at the end. At least I was entertaining LOL

Me and the musician talked at how our other friends just seem to be thinking that we are strange for not growing up. But me and him both want to pursue our dreams. He wants to be a singer/songwriter. And I want to be an editor in a magazine. We talked about why both of us are single. He joked with me that he's bi-curious. That peeked my interest. And I joked, "You can't joke about something like that." And he was all playful and confident and daring and risky and super sexy steamy with, "Who says I'm joking?" This guy is all mysterious. And I love it. He asked why I never liked him. And I told him flat out I never didn't like him. I just didn't give him the time of day because he just blended in with the rest. He just didn't stick out like a lot of the others. We both agreed that there's a lot of strong personalities in our group. We joked that the reason everybody supported the actress is because she's the likeable one everybody likes in the group. The one that wants everybody to like her. The one that wants everybody to get along.  The musician kept buying drinks and shots. And I was just drinking ensync with him.

We went to his place which wasn't too far from the drinking establishment. We entered his place and he embraced me up against his door. Touching me. Caressing me. We got all hot at the entrance to his apartment. Undressing ourselves to the bedroom. We didn't have sex. But we caressed. We cuddled. We made out. And I had the best night of my life. And in the morning, we both were like, "What you doing this weekend?" We brought up the idea of a relationship. We both were interested to see what this is and where this will go or lead to. We kissed and parted ways. And than he texted me during my commute to work. It was sweet. And I was all cheery. What a perfect day.

Update: I'm going to start to include photos of random passerbys in my blog soon. Guys who I see running shirtless, who make me drool and wet, and girls who need to get a style clue, who gross me out, make me sick and gag. I'm not going to try to be another gay eye of style. I'm just going to be my normal overly sexual and bitchy self =)

XOXO 1010