This weekend, I went to a birthday party for my cousin’s son. And in Korean culture, the first birthday (or Dol) is the grandest of celebrations. If you aren't familiar with the Korean custom of Dol, I'll try to feel you in, quickly.
Part one is the prayer. The grandmother (this case, my aunt, or emo) prays to God thanking him for the birth of the child into the family and to bless the child, by giving him a long life, good luck, and happiness.
Part two is the feast Korean style. You can just imagine the loads of food. Every Korean dish imaginable on display.
Part three is the what the child is going to grab. Laying out in front of the child is a brush, money, rice, etc. Whatever the child picks up is said to predict his future. Whatever.
As the only single person in a sea of married kin and their kids, or cousins bringing the blokes of dates, I found myself experiencing the greatest misconception about being unattached.
It happened during a conversation with a married relative who also happens to be a new mom. We hadn’t seen each other in more than a year, so I excitedly filled her in on my two Dating Blitzes and landing an assistant job to a fashion designer. Her response?
“Are you seeing anyone?” Because this is the most important question for any Asian person. The implication, of course, being that my relationship status is what matters more than anything else.
"Why are you single?" she asks. Because of course, there must be a reason. Something must be tremendously wrong with me. Come on.
"I know a cute Korean girl, who I can set you up with." Koreans love matchmaking. I do not know why. They just do. Its cultural. I might be Korean, but I'm just not use to it.
To which I responded, "I'm gay, remember?"
Her response, "Just let me know when you're ready. I'll be more than happy to introduce you two. I just know you will like her. She's perfect for you."
My family is clueless and oblivious to me being gay, or rather choose to be. Because gaydom can not effect Koreans. Impossible, right?! Koreans and any other Asian race can not be affected by the gay epidemic? Wrong. Totally wrong. Gaydom is not some western disease LOL
I have admitted to being gay to my family, but they choose to deny that I am. My own mother says, "It just phase. You just confused. You not gay. Gay not exist." Ignorance is bliss, huh?
The assumption being I'm not ready for marriage. And marriage is between a man and a woman. That I'm not ready to settle down. That I'm not ready to grow up. That I want fun. That when the time's right, I'll stop being gay and marry somebody my family "approves of." Meaning, I must deny myself. That I must deny and stop being gay. I must deny my own happiness, for the happiness of my family and the appearances of our "Christian" family, which also leads to being gay and Christian can not coexist.
“Are you going out tonight?” she continued.
Assumption number two — that because it’s Saturday and I’m single, I must be heading out on the town.
What irked me about both questions is the underlying presumption that if you’re single, your primary preoccupation is to find a way not to be, that you can’t possibly be living a full, happy life without a significant other.
A good friend of mine made the valid point that, when you blog about your dating life, it inevitably invites questions on the subject. Understood. But I still maintain this line of interrogation is all too common from married or partnered up people — as though they can no longer appreciate what it means to be single and content.
Would I like to meet someone and a start a family? Of course. Do I picture myself marrying a woman to make my family happy? Of course not. And this will be a hard one to do: To choose my own happiness over my own family's. But do I choose a life of misery, which will lead to an eventual divorce, or the possibility of true love and happiness? Do I spend my days dwelling on it or structuring my existence solely to make it happen? Absolutely not. I’m thankful for the many wonderful people and pursuits that enrich my life, for the adventures and opportunities flying solo affords me.
Those who’ve left singlehood behind would do well to remember that.
Here's my blessing to my cousin's son: I hope he grows up and becomes a man who is loving, accepting, and tolerant. I hope he grows up around love and exemplifies love, that he emulates love to others, even complete strangers. I hope he grows up and doesn't prejudge people based on gender, race, and sexuality. I hope he gives people a chance. I hope he grows up and is patient, quick not to fight or to anger. I hope he thinks of his actions and how those actions affect those around him, before he makes a decision. I hope he grows up and becomes a man, content and happy. I want him to grow up and be proud of the individual that he is. I hope he grows up and is not worried of what others perceive him to be. And I'll love him, simply because.
Part one is the prayer. The grandmother (this case, my aunt, or emo) prays to God thanking him for the birth of the child into the family and to bless the child, by giving him a long life, good luck, and happiness.
Part two is the feast Korean style. You can just imagine the loads of food. Every Korean dish imaginable on display.
Part three is the what the child is going to grab. Laying out in front of the child is a brush, money, rice, etc. Whatever the child picks up is said to predict his future. Whatever.
As the only single person in a sea of married kin and their kids, or cousins bringing the blokes of dates, I found myself experiencing the greatest misconception about being unattached.
It happened during a conversation with a married relative who also happens to be a new mom. We hadn’t seen each other in more than a year, so I excitedly filled her in on my two Dating Blitzes and landing an assistant job to a fashion designer. Her response?
“Are you seeing anyone?” Because this is the most important question for any Asian person. The implication, of course, being that my relationship status is what matters more than anything else.
"Why are you single?" she asks. Because of course, there must be a reason. Something must be tremendously wrong with me. Come on.
"I know a cute Korean girl, who I can set you up with." Koreans love matchmaking. I do not know why. They just do. Its cultural. I might be Korean, but I'm just not use to it.
To which I responded, "I'm gay, remember?"
Her response, "Just let me know when you're ready. I'll be more than happy to introduce you two. I just know you will like her. She's perfect for you."
My family is clueless and oblivious to me being gay, or rather choose to be. Because gaydom can not effect Koreans. Impossible, right?! Koreans and any other Asian race can not be affected by the gay epidemic? Wrong. Totally wrong. Gaydom is not some western disease LOL
I have admitted to being gay to my family, but they choose to deny that I am. My own mother says, "It just phase. You just confused. You not gay. Gay not exist." Ignorance is bliss, huh?
The assumption being I'm not ready for marriage. And marriage is between a man and a woman. That I'm not ready to settle down. That I'm not ready to grow up. That I want fun. That when the time's right, I'll stop being gay and marry somebody my family "approves of." Meaning, I must deny myself. That I must deny and stop being gay. I must deny my own happiness, for the happiness of my family and the appearances of our "Christian" family, which also leads to being gay and Christian can not coexist.
“Are you going out tonight?” she continued.
Assumption number two — that because it’s Saturday and I’m single, I must be heading out on the town.
What irked me about both questions is the underlying presumption that if you’re single, your primary preoccupation is to find a way not to be, that you can’t possibly be living a full, happy life without a significant other.
A good friend of mine made the valid point that, when you blog about your dating life, it inevitably invites questions on the subject. Understood. But I still maintain this line of interrogation is all too common from married or partnered up people — as though they can no longer appreciate what it means to be single and content.
Would I like to meet someone and a start a family? Of course. Do I picture myself marrying a woman to make my family happy? Of course not. And this will be a hard one to do: To choose my own happiness over my own family's. But do I choose a life of misery, which will lead to an eventual divorce, or the possibility of true love and happiness? Do I spend my days dwelling on it or structuring my existence solely to make it happen? Absolutely not. I’m thankful for the many wonderful people and pursuits that enrich my life, for the adventures and opportunities flying solo affords me.
Those who’ve left singlehood behind would do well to remember that.
Here's my blessing to my cousin's son: I hope he grows up and becomes a man who is loving, accepting, and tolerant. I hope he grows up around love and exemplifies love, that he emulates love to others, even complete strangers. I hope he grows up and doesn't prejudge people based on gender, race, and sexuality. I hope he gives people a chance. I hope he grows up and is patient, quick not to fight or to anger. I hope he thinks of his actions and how those actions affect those around him, before he makes a decision. I hope he grows up and becomes a man, content and happy. I want him to grow up and be proud of the individual that he is. I hope he grows up and is not worried of what others perceive him to be. And I'll love him, simply because.
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