First and Foremost Love Thyself

Self-esteem is defined as how you regard or value yourself, the opinions or judgments that you hold for yourself, and in the context of relationships, the source of power that starts inside of an individual and radiates out to others.

This is an honest perspective, which I am just as guilty of and in which I'm learning how to change on a daily basis. A good friend of mine once proclaimed, "Love always begins with yourself. You must love yourself first in order to love others. Love is a two-way street of giving and receiving. You can't give away the gift of love unless you possess it within yourself in the first place. And you can't receive and accept love if you don't feel deep inside that you deserve it."

Reasons why having low self-esteem will drag a relationship down: First, it is simply unattractive to potential love partners because it brings them down emotionally. Second, having low self-esteem prevents you from performing at your best. And finally, when someone has a low opinion of themselves, they send an unconscious message out to others that there must be something wrong with them.

Build people up; don't knock them down: Putting down others to make yourself feel more attractive is not a sustainable or desirable method for empowering your life. Choose a more enlightening approach to living life instead by building other people up and thereby raising your own self-esteem as a natural by-product. At least, that's what I've heard. Or at least, what I'm told. I'm extremely guilty of this. I unconsciously knock everyone around me down. Just because its a joke, doesn't mean it won't hurt. People don't like jerks and most definitely don't want to be around an asshole.

In order to attract love into your life, the first place to start is by improving the relationship you have with yourself. By doing this, you'll be sending out an unmistakable signal to the universe that you are a person of incredible value, and any right person would be crazy not to love and cherish you!

I'm quite sure a lot of you guys and gals will quickly say that they love themselves, while in reality you weaken your own power in unintentional and often overlooked ways like self-talk. We tend to be the worst at knocking ourselves down. Don't forget how we treat ourselves, how talk about ourselves. I'm guilty of this. I'm not sure when I told myself, "You are amazing. You make me proud. You are incredible. I love you, I mean, me LOL." So be smart and love yourself first and foremost.

Rediscover your overlooked personal strengths. There is a popular saying that goes, "It ain't bragging if it's true." In your private moments, be sure to take some time out to remember some of your often-overlooked positive qualities. Why wait around for someone else to give you an uplifting and empowering personal compliment, when nobody knows you better than you do? When your personal power starts to run low, be the first one to do a little bragging in the name of love.

Stop living to please others. Most of us were raised to try to please other people, whether it was our parents, teachers, coaches, friends, or other family members. But as adults, there is a limit to how much energy we can spend on pleasing others before it is at the expense of our own desires. You can show how much you truly love yourself by choosing to prioritize your own needs over those of others. After an initial adjustment, this strategy will end up freeing up more positive energy in your life, which other people will find naturally attractive.

Practice more compassion for others. When we put ourselves in other people's shoes and feel empathy for their challenges, we are practicing compassion. This emotion helps us to open up our hearts and value other people. Even a small act, like looking people in the eye and saying "hello," sends a clear message to that other person that they matter. A simple, yet profound principle to remember is that you can’t elevate another person’s self-esteem without also elevating your own.

Learn to laugh at yourself. We would all agree that having a great sense of humor is attractive to others. And when we are able to direct this humor toward ourselves, it offers multiple benefits. First, it acts like a safety valve and takes off some of the pressure of everyday living. Secondly, it prevents us from taking ourselves too seriously. Also, it can prevent us from being too hard on ourselves when we don’t measure up to our own high expectations. Lightening things up has the attractive side-benefit of putting others at ease, too! They don’t have to worry that we’ll be too hard on them also.

 

Say positive things that boast your self esteem. Uh, duh! Your ability to rediscover and reaffirm your best human qualities will greatly affect how much you truly like and respect yourself. The more often you repeat this exercise with emotional intensity and congruent physiology, the more immune you will be to the negative comments of others. That way, you’ll naturally become more attractive to everyone including the opposite sex.

List your personal breakthroughs. We all have proud moments when we were able to overcome a particular challenge successfully. Taking an inventory of these breakthrough moments and appreciating our progress can raise our self-esteem. What accomplishments are you most proud of? Make sure that you create a list of your breakthroughs and put it somewhere where you can look at it regularly. Remind yourself of how wonderful and courageous you truly are.

Stop the critic inside you. There is an internal voice within each of us that likes to remind us of our fears and limitations. When faced with a major challenge, this voice will often proclaim, "No you can't!" So it is our responsibility and duty to quiet that self-sabotaging voice. Listen instead to the powerful inspiration of your own inner and outer voice with repeated positive statements like "Yes, I can!" and "If it's to be, it's up to me.' When possible, do this in front of a mirror. By reinforcing the message that you send yourself with strong tonality, sincere emotion, and congruent facial expressions, you'll be replacing your inner critic with a private cheerleader. This is a great way to raise and maintain a high self-esteem.

Get comfortable with your own body. It’s also important to accept and appreciate yourself on a physical level. While we can't all have "the perfect body," it's a good practice to remove any awkwardness or shyness that we may have with ourselves. A constructive thing to do is to stop thinking about how flawed your body looks and to start paying attention to how healthy your body is becoming. The healthiness of your body is something that you can have immediate control over through diet, discipline, exercise, and relaxation. And the bottom line is that a healthy body is a sexy body, which is all you really need to convey to men and, more importantly, to yourself.

Accept compliments graciously. Many people have difficulty accepting compliments. They will often respond by lowering their heads or saying something to minimize the compliment. The internal effect is that you rob yourself of the self-esteem boost that you could be receiving from the other person. Instead of rejecting the next compliment, be ready to accept it graciously by holding your head high and saying, “Thank you.” Do this and you will also allow the sender of the compliment to enjoy the gift of giving. 

Treat yourself to well-deserved rewards. It is a healthy practice to reward yourself periodically with special treats. That way, you’ll be sending a clear message to yourself that you deserve to be treated well. If you don’t feel worthy of accepting rewards in life, how can you expect another person to feel that you’re worthy of their attention and love? Small indulgences like a trip to the spa for a facial and massage may do more than just make your body feel better. Such special treatment revitalizes the essential spirit of self-esteem, and it will power your love life.

I stole these secret tips from a girlfriend of mine. I think she said she got these ideas from Oprah. Go figure, right?! She's the 'queen of self-help" LOL I'm just gonna come right out and say this: Dating absolutely just sucks! This is especially true if we are unintentionally sabotaging ourselves and inadvertently scaring away all the guys. That's not what we want to do! But, however, dating can rock if and only if we start loving ourselves first and send out a clear signal to these stupid prospective boys that we're a special mate who rightly deserves to be recognized, appreciated, and loved.

Feel free...

Hey lovelies~

Feel free to email me your stories, questions, etc. I promise I won't share and/or post.

Okay, if I do share or if I do post, which I will most likely do anyway, I promise to not reveal your identity. I'll change things around. It will be our dirty little secret. Cheers!

selfrecoveringaddict@gmail.com

XOXO
Addict

Being Asian, Gay, and Single: The Misconceptions

This weekend, I went to a birthday party for my cousin’s son. And in Korean culture, the first birthday (or Dol) is the grandest of celebrations. If you aren't familiar with the Korean custom of Dol, I'll try to feel you in, quickly.

Part one is the prayer. The grandmother (this case, my aunt, or emo) prays to God thanking him for the birth of the child into the family and to bless the child, by giving him a long life, good luck, and happiness.

Part two is the feast Korean style. You can just imagine the loads of food. Every Korean dish imaginable on display.

Part three is the what the child is going to grab. Laying out in front of the child is a brush, money, rice, etc. Whatever the child picks up is said to predict his future. Whatever.

As the only single person in a sea of married kin and their kids, or cousins bringing the blokes of dates, I found myself experiencing the greatest misconception about being unattached.

It happened during a conversation with a married relative who also happens to be a new mom. We hadn’t seen each other in more than a year, so I excitedly filled her in on my two Dating Blitzes and landing an assistant job to a fashion designer. Her response?

“Are you seeing anyone?” Because this is the most important question for any Asian person. The implication, of course, being that my relationship status is what matters more than anything else.

"Why are you single?" she asks. Because of course, there must be a reason. Something must be tremendously wrong with me. Come on.

"I know a cute Korean girl, who I can set you up with." Koreans love matchmaking. I do not know why. They just do. Its cultural. I might be Korean, but I'm just not use to it.

To which I responded, "I'm gay, remember?"

Her response, "Just let me know when you're ready. I'll be more than happy to introduce you two. I just know you will like her. She's perfect for you."

My family is clueless and oblivious to me being gay, or rather choose to be. Because gaydom can not effect Koreans. Impossible, right?! Koreans and any other Asian race can not be affected by the gay epidemic? Wrong. Totally wrong. Gaydom is not some western disease LOL

I have admitted to being gay to my family, but they choose to deny that I am. My own mother says, "It just phase. You just confused. You not gay. Gay not exist." Ignorance is bliss, huh?

The assumption being I'm not ready for marriage. And marriage is between a man and a woman. That I'm not ready to settle down. That I'm not ready to grow up. That I want fun. That when the time's right, I'll stop being gay and marry somebody my family "approves of." Meaning, I must deny myself. That I must deny and stop being gay. I must deny my own happiness, for the happiness of my family and the appearances of our "Christian" family, which also leads to being gay and Christian can not coexist.

“Are you going out tonight?” she continued.

Assumption number two — that because it’s Saturday and I’m single, I must be heading out on the town.

What irked me about both questions is the underlying presumption that if you’re single, your primary preoccupation is to find a way not to be, that you can’t possibly be living a full, happy life without a significant other.

A good friend of mine made the valid point that, when you blog about your dating life, it inevitably invites questions on the subject. Understood. But I still maintain this line of interrogation is all too common from married or partnered up people — as though they can no longer appreciate what it means to be single and content.

Would I like to meet someone and a start a family? Of course. Do I picture myself marrying a woman to make my family happy? Of course not. And this will be a hard one to do: To choose my own happiness over my own family's. But do I choose a life of misery, which will lead to an eventual divorce, or the possibility of true love and happiness? Do I spend my days dwelling on it or structuring my existence solely to make it happen? Absolutely not. I’m thankful for the many wonderful people and pursuits that enrich my life, for the adventures and opportunities flying solo affords me.

Those who’ve left singlehood behind would do well to remember that.

Here's my blessing to my cousin's son: I hope he grows up and becomes a man who is loving, accepting, and tolerant. I hope he grows up around love and exemplifies love, that he emulates love to others, even complete strangers. I hope he grows up and doesn't prejudge people based on gender, race, and sexuality. I hope he gives people a chance. I hope he grows up and is patient, quick not to fight or to anger. I hope he thinks of his actions and how those actions affect those around him, before he makes a decision. I hope he grows up and becomes a man, content and happy. I want him to grow up and be proud of the individual that he is. I hope he grows up and is not worried of what others perceive him to be. And I'll love him, simply because.

Post-Weiner, Post-Musician, Post-Relationship: My Stance on Cheating

I think most Americans of sick of hearing about Rep. Weiner, and yes, I know I'm a little late in weighing in on this. But, life got busy my friends. When you deal with a bitch for a boss, a mad queen, a zombie's nightmare, you will understand what I mean.

My question that I ask is simply this: If you never meet your online relationship in the flesh, does that mean you didn't cheat?

With social networking, the way to meet people has changed. Our introductions with people in cyberspace often feels like real, genuine encounters. Rep. Weiner referred to his girlfriends as "women that [he] met on Facebook" or online. So, Weiner did admit to meeting these women, just not admitting to the fact that they were relationships.

Weiner called his interactions with these women as mere communications with and not a relationship. A relationship implies infidelity. Communication, on the other hand, suggests mere flirting. The congressman was flirting with these women. He has admitted to fooling around with women online, but he refuses to acknowledge that his actions were unfaithful. What's worth debating now isn't what he did, but what it means. Increasingly, sexual adventures outside of marriage are taking place online. Is this cheating? Or is it something less, as long as you don't touch one another?

I caught my musician boyfriend cheating online. In the very act of sexual activity. Masturbating to some bloke in cyberworld. My friends asked would it have made a difference if he was jerking off to some cunt. But I don't think there is any difference. The act is the act. What he did was wrong. And I feel I would have reacted in the same way. Throwing the guy out of my apartment.

Weiner and my ex-musician boyfriend both had online encounters. They both admitted, or were rather caught, fooling around. However, they both never thought their actions were unfaithful. They never thought they were cheating.

But they had intentions of infidelity. Yes, they never physically had sex with their online relationship. But they spoke of their intentions in words, in pictures, and in some cases videos.

And this coming from a shameless person who speaks publicly of his encounters with men. I'm open to relationships where couples agree to affairs, but speak of these. Communicate. Talk. Tell me you want to fuck somebody else. Tell me. Let me know. Don't let me find out about it like its some bad dirty little secret.

I cheat. I have cheated. But I let my relationships know of my actions and my intentions. I'm honest. And I would like to be treated with the same dignity, with the same respect.

What do you guys think? Can an open relationship last? Weigh in. XOXO

The One Night Stand

Update since last time: The musician and I broke up. He's the guy I caught...

Is it strange to go home with a boy if you have no intention of having sex with him? Is it stranger still to tell him you have no intention of sleeping with him before you agree to go home with him?

Last night, I met a boy at a bar. Well, not so sure if I met him at the bar or the club, because I remember seeing him at both places. I’m not accusing the guy of stalking and/or admitting to being a stalker.

After spending hours dancing with my friends, the boy approaches, waits for the approval, and goes in for his move. He pulls me into his groins and maneuvers me into his arms. I normally wouldn’t have taken too nicely in feeling like some sort of cheap ass, being approached and bumped and grind up on, but seeing as how, I just got out of a 4-month relationship, where I caught the guy masturbating to some other guy over Skype, I’m more open in meeting people in whatever means necessary.

After spending what felt like hours dancing together, the topic of our post-club night plans came up. At one point, we took a break from dancing to get some fresh air, or rather a cigarette break, during which he offered me a light, to which I humbly declined, stating, “I’m breaking the habit.” He proceeded to smoke, huffing, and blowing smoke rings, as if he’s trying to impress me. The chill night air danced around us. He broke the silence by asking, “What do you do?” It turned out that he was a budding writer. I told him I’m photography enthusiast.

I agreed to go home with him, mostly because the thought of riding my bike back to my place at 2:30 am seemed daunting, especially under the circumstances of alcohol. In the taxi, on the way to his apartment, I told him that I had no intention of sleeping with him. To which he responded, “I merely invited you to my place” and he laughed it off coyly.

Upon our arrival at his rent-controlled two-bedroom apartment, he whispers to me, “We need to be quiet.” He explains that his roommate goes to sleep early, because of work. However, in our current states, no matter how hard we tried to be quiet, we just couldn’t. We ended up disturbing his roommate, who replied, “Is that you, Brian?” To which any sane robber would have said, “Yes, Grandma. Go back to sleep.” Excuse me? Grandma. Turns out, Brian shares a room with his grandmother, who has lived there since the fifties, and I’m thinking, “What did I get myself into?”

Despite the absurdity of this, he took out a typewriter. I stood, or was I sitting on his bed, staring at this boy, who I didn’t picture to be a skinny-jean-clad youth hipster. But he proclaims, he likes the nostalgia, the aesthetic of typing on what many would consider a bulky piece of metal junk. Strangely enough, we took turns sitting at his typewriter and free writing. We shared our respective pieces: mine, mostly about the difficulty of writing on a typewriter when one is drunk, and his, a candid revelation of what he would rather be doing (which he took some creative liberties with).

He then shared his poetry with me, which wasn’t half bad. Next was the discussion on on politics, morality, religion, and every other issue. At which point, I wondered how more cliche the night could get. To my surprise, he leaned in and kissed me passionately. We made out on the floor. To which he decides to whisper in my ear, to get in bed.

That’s when things got weird. You see, I just really wanted to sleep. The make out session was a mistake. He really wanted to do the kinds of things people who met at a club and go home with each other do. We briefly made out again and then I either fell asleep or passed out. I can’t remember. You can imagine his disappointment.

In the morning we did the awkward goodbye. He didn’t ask me for my number. His grandma said it was lovely to meet me. As I descended the steps of his apartment building I pondered the previous evening. He clearly invited me home hoping for some kind of sexual gratification and at least a part of me knew this. Which led me to wonder what really possessed me to go home with him. Is it odd to want to go back to a stranger’s apartment just to not have to be home alone? Does every invitation from a male to spend the night include the hope of orgasm? I have no idea but I am really glad I did not have sex with Brian, guy from the club. I am still coming off the heels of a break-up and I am pretty sure if I’d had sex with him it would have been ill-advised. That said, I also don’t regret going home with him. Despite my teasing, I did enjoy the writing, poetry, and discussion portion of the evening. It was an adventure of sorts, and probably the best one night stand I’ve ever had.

I would like to state for the record that it sucks to go home alone. I go home to nothing greeting me and an empty bed. And also, cabs are expensive and it seems like the subways basically stop running after midnight. So I hope you guys can sympathize with my desire to find a place to crash, sort of speak.

Days 81-83 - Pros and Cons

I had this saved. And forgot I didn't post. My new job is so way demanding. Apologies. I'm going to find more time to make updates.

Pros of my new assistant job with an upcoming fashion designer

1. Clothes. I get free clothes. Yes, they are last years designs, but nobody knows that. Except for those in the fashion world. But I say, men's fashion doesn't change as much as the trends in women's fashion.
2. Alcohol. Any fashion event you go to has cocktails. Cocktails or wine for free. People in fashion love to party and get drunk. They might not eat, but they love to drink. Guess that's how all the models stay thin.
3. VIP. I get to go to so many major premier parties. I get to meet and mingle with celebrities. At first I was like OMG and in shock, but now I'm use to it. Oh, big deal. Like you're important LOL

Cons of my new assistant job with an upcoming fashion designer

1. She's crazy. She's a bitch. One moment she wants a tall, soy, vanilla latte with no whip. Than she picks it up and looks at me like I'm crazy, "This is hot. I wanted it warm." Excuse me. I'm pretty sure I can not request a tall, soy, vanilla latte with no whip not hot but warmed. Than she'll tell me to go fetch her some sashimi assortment. I arrive with the assorted sashimi and she picks it up and looks at me like I'm crazy, "This is warm. I wanted it cold." Excuse me. Again, the bitch is crazy. 
2. Calls. She calls me. Even while I'm at work, she calls me. She doesn't even know my name. She calls me her glory Asian, her charity case. Like all of Asia is in the Third World. She calls me more in one day than anybody should.
3. Gays. No offense. Yes, I'm gay. But the gays of the fashion world are awful. They have this elite closeted world that's like a sorority/fraternity and any new gay that enters "their" said world is an outcast. The gay fashion designers are the worse. The celebrity hairstylists are next. And than its downhill from their.

My new job is Monday-Saturday from way before sunrise to way after sunset, plus some wee hours into the night, because I must assist the fashion designer at her events. And rarely do I really have a Sunday off. People in the fashion world are assumed to be not so intelligent, so I have a lot to do. Make sure she's current on everything, even politics, which bores me. I'm so looking to getting off. Tonight I'm going to see the musician perform with his band. That should be fun. I need to get away from this materialist, selfish, I'm-better-than-you mentality world. The fashion world is like high school all over again, with more access to drugs and alcohol and the acceptance of eating disorders. I mean come on, that skinny model bitch can not be that size. She's 5'10" and wears like a triple zero. Not possible. Eat some KFC fried chicken. Eat a Big Mac. Eat something bitch. I might be gay, but I could so break you in two. In this case I'm the stronger bitch. That's funny. Who would ever think I would be strong?! For the life of me I've always been the whimp. And I workout religiously. Daily almost.

Days 75-80 - An Evening with Friends

Update:  Before I go any further into this new post I just wanted to share with everyone, who might've been worried about me, that I have indeed found a new job. I am now an assistant to a fashion designer. It was by an act of grace and of Jesus fucking Christ that I found this job.

Its sad, when post-graduates, twenty-somethings, must plan days, weeks, maybe months ahead to get together and catch up. But, its the time when lives drift apart... again.

Anyway, there I am with all my close friends. The musician (he's in a acoustic band that's just my kind of style, I've only heard him play once), the aspiring actress (another?! who isn't these days?!), the jock, my best friend, and the couple (friends turned relationship whores). Speaking of the couple, it was an adjustment that I think everyone in the group had to get use to. I mean, they don't naturally seem to be ideal and they were always opposites and they never really ever got along. We all said they have a clear love-hate relationship. Now its just weird to see them together cooperating and being all lovey-dovey.

Everyone had updates. Somehow, I just sat in the back taking everything in. Drinking my cocktails. I think I was already on my second one. Me and my best friend were busy whispering and laughing like old times. She's my best girlfriend. She's my call to everything stressful that life has to offer.

The musician. He shared that he's going to be playing at a pretty big venue coming up. He's going to be an opening act, some were excited, others not too much. The jock opened his mouth and said, "When are you going to set down that guitar of yours and realize its time to grow up and get a real job." I mean, I thought we were all friends. Don't friends support each other? It caused a bit of a friction amongst all of us.

The jock. Told everyone that he thinks he met the "one." That he's looking for the perfect diamond for her. He's about to finish law school. Looking for a job. And still a jerk, arrogant prick since the first time I could remember. He's so straight laced. He refuses to even enter any gay place out of fear that he might be associated with us homosexuals. I'm mainly his glory friend so he can say he's not homophobic, cause he has a friend whose gay. Plus me and my best friend are the only ethnic ones in the group. Korean and Indian American. So he can play the race card too.

The actress. Finally got her first big audition win. She's an understudy for a new musical (big deal, that just means you weren't good enough. That's just a nice way of saying, "You sucked.") Everyone is excited for her. She's thrilled. She just lights up. We ask her all sorts of questions. She answers in her usual very quick and jumpy sort of way. She's very spastic. And the jock eyes her from all sides and all over. He gives her the sex eyes. It was disgusting to watch. I wanted to slap myself. And especially, as how he just got through with telling everybody that he wants to marry somebody. That means, stop giving sex eyes. The actress saw the eyes of the jock. She basically just teased him on. This can not be good. The two of them....ewww. Gross. And so much for finding the "one," huh.

The best friend. Reveals to everyone that she's engaged. I turn. Look at the person sitting next to me. Her. In shock. How could she just reveal this to me in this sort of way? Does she not respect me to let me know before everyone else? I nearly spewed the cocktail in my mouth. When did he propose? Everybody is all congratulatory. Except for me. "Its been about two months now," she says weakly. She sees my expression. Everybody is all like two months, why the big secret? She says simply she's been busy, a lots been going on, and its just been a busy time for everybody. But we talk weekly. You couldn't feel me in on that update in your life. Its not that exciting of news anyway she stated. Uhm, yes it is. I ask about her plans. Everybody looks shocked. Like I've should already have known. I'm with everybody on that one. She's like she's moving to Columbus, Ohio in less than two months. I'm like what? Are you kidding me? She sees how I'm not thrilled for her. Should I be? She's deciding to hold off on grad school. Gonna move, etc. Me and her got serious ackward the rest of the evening.

The couple shared that they are expecting a child. They are looking into marriage. Looking at buying a house. And I'm all like aren't you guys moving too fast?! And everybody thought I was being mean, because obviously they love each other, etc. Whatever. I just not a proponent for marriages just cause somebody's pregnant. And I just want to voice another opinion, to just sit on your ass and think before you act. Don't act on something this important right away. Give it some time.

Me. Shared my update. That I'm working for a fashion designer as an assistant. Everybody is like when are you going to get serious and try to do something real with your life. Everybody bashed me. Saying I'm still living a lie. That I haven't changed since college. I need to get serious. The musician didn't even say that to me. He was all like, let him do what he wants. They were all like, "What do you want to do?" And I said, "Obviously you guys don't know me enough to know what I want to be." I mean, I graduated, took some time off from school to work. I want to work at a magazine company. And nobody knows that apparently. But whatever. I sat back and just ranted. Told each and every single one of them what jerks they were. And I bounced. Even the musician left with me. How did that happen? We aren't even that close. To me, his just another member of the group. One whom I never got to know.

We went to a cool place that he knew of. We talked. Never knew how much alike we were and yet different we were. Can not believe that the actress wasn't even defending ourselves, we both agreed. For being a straight guy, I'm starting to have a bromance with him. We didn't even realize that tonight is karoake. He decided to sign both of us up (without my knowledge and he picked my song). They called my name to sing Britney's "...Baby One More Time." I wanted to kill that guy for setting me up for disaster and embarrassment, but he's just smiling all devilishly. Half-way through I was like lets do this. I think I totally smashed that performance at the end. At least I was entertaining LOL

Me and the musician talked at how our other friends just seem to be thinking that we are strange for not growing up. But me and him both want to pursue our dreams. He wants to be a singer/songwriter. And I want to be an editor in a magazine. We talked about why both of us are single. He joked with me that he's bi-curious. That peeked my interest. And I joked, "You can't joke about something like that." And he was all playful and confident and daring and risky and super sexy steamy with, "Who says I'm joking?" This guy is all mysterious. And I love it. He asked why I never liked him. And I told him flat out I never didn't like him. I just didn't give him the time of day because he just blended in with the rest. He just didn't stick out like a lot of the others. We both agreed that there's a lot of strong personalities in our group. We joked that the reason everybody supported the actress is because she's the likeable one everybody likes in the group. The one that wants everybody to like her. The one that wants everybody to get along.  The musician kept buying drinks and shots. And I was just drinking ensync with him.

We went to his place which wasn't too far from the drinking establishment. We entered his place and he embraced me up against his door. Touching me. Caressing me. We got all hot at the entrance to his apartment. Undressing ourselves to the bedroom. We didn't have sex. But we caressed. We cuddled. We made out. And I had the best night of my life. And in the morning, we both were like, "What you doing this weekend?" We brought up the idea of a relationship. We both were interested to see what this is and where this will go or lead to. We kissed and parted ways. And than he texted me during my commute to work. It was sweet. And I was all cheery. What a perfect day.

Update: I'm going to start to include photos of random passerbys in my blog soon. Guys who I see running shirtless, who make me drool and wet, and girls who need to get a style clue, who gross me out, make me sick and gag. I'm not going to try to be another gay eye of style. I'm just going to be my normal overly sexual and bitchy self =)

XOXO 1010

Days 55-74 - April! Fools!

This has been the worst. My house got broken into. And not the good kind even. I leave my door unlocked. Yeah, I know, that's not like a good thing. But I post on Craigslist sometimes for like some carefree fucks and go sessions. Anyway, I thought the guy entering was a client/customer. So I just laid in my bed. Awaiting. Excited. Thrilled.

And OMG! I got held up at gun point in my own bedroom. The guy entered my room. At first I thought he was role playing. But he than got scary. I got gagged and tied up. Still thinking it was all good fun. My voice gets higher when I'm all giddy and aroused. I was like a child saying, "Lions, tigers, and bears oh my!" But when he blindfolded me and hit me up badly. I knew I was in trouble. This wasn't fun. Anymore. And I started putting up a fight, but yeah I know, too late dumb ass. Anyway, he jacked up all my shit. I'm out with nothing. I mean, he took particularly everything he could. Even my laptop. And LCD TV. I cried. I'm still crying.

What's worse, he drove off. In my car. Luckily, they found the bastard, but still. I was demoralized. I was victimized. And I didn't go out of my house or do anything for a couple of days. I was like an old maid. It was dirty. Disgusting. Depressing. Depraving. I didn't shower. Eww.

And than, I got fired on April Fools Day by my new boss. He caught me. He discovered the evidence. That I drink alcohol and pop pills on the job. He even recommended me to enter rehab. What?! the?! fuck?!

At first, I didn't believe him. I thought he was doing a good job at the April Fools thing. Before I realized he was fucking serious. That douchebag.

Now I'm jobless and practically homeless. I'm trying to find a job in this economy that can afford to pay me. Or a job that can provide a lifestyle in my price range. Its awful.

I've been getting paranoid about locking my car doors and my house. One night I woke up freaking out that I didn't lock my car up. Well I ran out of the house. To find out that my car doors were in fact locked. And realized I locked myself out. Of my house. Shit. It was fucking 40 outside. I was fucking cold out there only in my boxers. I slept on the grass. Like some homeless bum who hasn't showered in days. Or just the neighborhood drunk. In the morning, I used a neighbors phone to call a friend who has a key to my house. He made fun of me. He thought I was joking. When arrived he was laughing hysterically. I smacked the shits out him. He fucked me up. But anyway he's just a friend. If you know what I mean. What a depressing month? April's showers are fucked up. I feel like I have a rain cloud that follows me. Woe is me!

Anyway, at least the future can't be too grim LOL

Day 54 - My Tribute to Saint Patrick

Yesterday night, I wish my friends would have told me it was St. Patty's day. Cause than I would have gone home to my dog. I don't know what it is about St. Patty's but people just don't act normal. Its like a full moon. People go ape shit. Dunno why.

For example: I go up to the bar last night to order the drinks for me and all my friends. I love it that its the alcoholic in the group getting everybody drinks. I mean, you can't be in a bar without a drink in your hand. Hello! And there's this guy. Remotely attractive sitting there alone at the bar. I stand beside him. And he says to me, "Sorry." I look at him. Confused. And ask in the most bitchy way possible, "Excuse me?" And he's like, "I'm sorry, its just, I'm not interested." And I was like what in the hell. I look at him appalled. I turned diva on his ass. I was like, "Excuse me? I'm sorry for making you think I was interested, ha." Rolled my eyes and leaned on bar and called to the bartender, "Hey James. The usual." With a nice loving smile. "Keep the change." And James was all like, "Thanks boo." And I was like, "I know." Remotely attractive guy turns to me and says, "Hope all those aren't for you." And I turn to him and I'm like, "These are for my friends. Something you lack this evening."

I drop the drinks off on the table my friends got. And I proceed to share them my trauma when one of my friends gives me the eye gesture that someone is approaching. I turn and look and its remotely attractive guy. He's all like, "You look like a vodka tonic kind of guy." And I'm like, "Oh really. Too bad. Drinks full." My friends were all like, "Hey, I'll take the free drink." I scolded them for accepting a hand-out. Plus, remotely attractive guy took this as a sign my friends approved of him. Sheesh. Never give a guy in a bar hope. God, haven't they learned anything from me.

He stands there and is all cocky and says to me, "Kiss me, I'm Irish." And I'm like, "Fuck you, I'm Asian." And he's all like, "No really, I'm Irish." And I'm like, "Fuck you. I'm Asian." He turns and walks away. My friends bash me. Telling me that I'm such a bitch and a diva. And I'm like, "Its a part of my game. I make guys feel like shit and they come back for more. Just watch."

Remotely attractive guy walks back, maybe hour later. And is all like, "You look like a ginger and bourbon kind of guy?" And I'm like, "Getting better. But, still have my own drink. And still, I don't need yours." My friends are all like, "Ignore him. He doesn't get out much." Wink. God I hate them. What was that suppose to mean? That I'm not whorish enough like you? At least I don't bump into somebody I have slept with every minute while out.

Anyway, I ended up going back to my house. I hate St. Patty's. But I didn't go home empty-handed. I took remotely attractive guy with me. Gotta love the Irish. They sure don't give up. Remember "Braveheart" LOL

And my friends? Well, lets just say one woke up with shit all over their junk. How classy, huh LOL Can't keep it down. Amateur.

Days 46-53 - To Swallow or Not to Swallow...And Other Good Housekeeping

To Swallow or Not to Swallow, that is the question? Screw Shakespeare. He got it wrong with the, "To be or not to be," bullshit.

Last night, I was invited by one of my best girlfriends for a girl's night out. She said (and I quote), "A girl's night is not a girl's night unless there is a gay guy." I'm not sure if I should be insulted and offended by this or flattered. I mean, I was put in center with all other gay guys. What makes me any different? What makes me special and/or unique? But...at least she thought of me, right??

Anyway, over cocktails one of her friends asked (directed towards me) about blowjobs. She was like, "how do you...you know....give them?" And I was completely caught off guard. There was another (shall not call her a girl for she is in an category all to herself) who was like, "Oh my gosh. That's inappropiate. What would Jesus think of this?" Jesus would think its normal and would be like stop being a Puritan and live a little. She was dressed very homely. She looked like she just got rescued from some cult reservation. She would be a perfect extra for HBO's "Big Love." So now you know, there was a Charlotte-type and than there was it. And here's me, the Samantha in the group.

Blowjobs are a natural part of our society. Look at lollipops, suckers, blowpops, popsicles, etc. The candy we received when we were little was preparing ourselves for when we would need to blow that guy. News flash: We live in a very overt sexual culture. There is no reason for people to ask the stupid question of "how to." You lick, you suck, pop, and repeat. Momma taught us not to play with our food, but in this case Momma says play with his balls all you want.

You should have seen the girl from the cult. She was all like "virgin ears," and holding her hands to her ears like ear muffs. And I was like, "Your ears aren't virgin honey! When was the last time you put a q-tip all up in your ear, huh?" She was offended. And plus I added for effect purposes, "And honey, dressed all like that, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine that you are sooo a virgin. I bet the only thing that licked that is your puppy dog." And everyone looked, stopped, froze for dramatic purposes and busted out laughing. And there is girl from the cult running away crying to the bathroom. Everybody stopped, froze, and continued to laugh as soon as she was out of sight and out of hearing. And than my best girlfriend was like, "I can not believe you! You are always like this! That was so mean and hurtful!" Well excuse me, but if I remember correctly you were laughing with everybody. But whatever. I am aware that I have lack of self-control. I say shit people wish to say. I say shit that I wish I wouldn't sometimes. People admire that quality about me, others find me superficial, narcissistic, and bitchy, which I tend to embrace anyway. I am who I am. Take me or leave me.

While my best girlfriend went to soothe girl from the cult, the others brought up the most important question to man. "Do you swallow?" And I'm like, hell yeah. Its rude not to. Its rude not to swallow.

No matter how hard you try, you can not make spitting out their warm secretion sweet or nice. It just....ruins the mood, in my honest blunt opinion.

"Can you get....AIDs from you know...swallowing?" The lack of sexual education in these girls was embarrassing. Of course you can't get AIDs or HIV or any STD from swallowing. The chances are like 1 in a million I think. Oral sex is much safer than penetration. Duh!

"I worry that I'm sloppy or I'm doing it bad." Have confidence, bitch. Just do it. Don't think about. Let it be. Just do. Go with the flow. And hell act like, "this is my first time. Am I doing this right?" Its a dick honey. Just bat your eyes and look at that guy and make some moaning "mmm" sounds.

Now for you guys. You can be sloppy. And you can do it all wrong. Girls are expected to be a little on the sloppy side. Guys are expected to know how to because they have a dick and because its expected that they play with their dicks (hence masturbation).

I've had a few guys who I were like, "I'm sorry. That just ruined it for me." One of my best friends is bisexual. One night we were out at a gay dance bar. She somehow finds a girl and presides to make-out full on on the couch at the bar. It was hot and heavy. I remember she came my way and she was running and hiding from that very drunk lesy. And I was all like, "How in hell did she find a lesy before I found a guy. I mean, hello, we are in a gay bar. What's wrong with this picture?" Continueing on though, my girlfriend said (and I quote), "I fingered her on the couch and she came. When she fingered me it was awful. It ruined it." It does. In this instance, its expected that girl should know how to finger. I mean, come on. Hello! We have lower expectations for the opposite sex. When its the same sex, we expect better. You know how "we" operate, or you are suppose to know.

Now on to deep-throating. Boys and girls if you do not know how: LEARN. Every modern porn video since circa 2000 features deep-throating. Practice on whatever is big or long enough. While you eat that hotdog, deep-throat. While eating that popsicle, deep-throat. Now you get my drift. No longer can you blame, "I have bad gag-reflexes." Its no longer an acceptable excuse.

And guys, please eat some pineapple. Do not make us suffer by having to swallow your nasty warm milk shit. That's just wrong! When I have to swallow that shit, I nearly gag to death. Remember you are what you eat. So please, start eating some more fruit. Thus, you will be sweet LOL

In conclusion, its never NOT okay to not swallow. What are you thinking? Do not spit that warm milky secretion out... No Matter How Nasty That Shit Might Taste! Just close your eyes, hold your breath. Hey, remember Love Potion #9 (~o^)

Love ya XOXO 1010

Days 36-45 - Debt Collectors

I have a shopping problem. I'm not a shopaholic. I just like to buy things that end up being stored in my closest with the price tag still on. What's worse are sales? I love sales.

I have maxed out 5 credit cards. And today I'm starting to get the round of creditor calls. They totally know how to ruin a perfectly great day. I mean, on the way to work today I saw this amazing jacket in the window. My card declined. You know how depressing and embarrassing that is??? Anyway, I opened card number 6 today. I have another $3000 dollars to max out. It's so much fun. I love getting free money....well in a sense its free. Right???

But, back to the creditors. They are awful. I hate those people. They are soul-suckers. They know how to eat at you. I feel like scum when I'm on the phone with them. They called from a new number. Another number that I'll have to end up blocking. They are getting smart. But they were like, "How much are you able to pay today?" And I was like, "What are you talking about? What debt are you talking about?" I like to bullshit these people. Like, I'm just plain stupid. I don't pay anything. If I wasn't suppose to have that card, than I shouldn't have been able to get that card. And its their fault for giving me a $3000 spending limit. You know how much shit that equates to??? Can you believe, $3000 only lasts me like 4-5 months??? I know, but I have fun. I love shopping. If I'm not able to afford it, that's the beauty of a credit card. I'll pay it back.....later maybe. When I have the money. Just not now. I can't afford it. LOL

Do you think its easy to look fabulous????? It takes time to look like this. You know, like a piece of art. I'm a masterpiece.

Days 32-35 - The Hangover

My best girlfriend is engaged....to a younger man. He's a year older than me. My girlfriend is 4 years older than me. I'm so glad that she's so cool with being a puma. Or is she a cougar?? Dunno. But who cares really.

Anyway, she called me up last night for an emergency cocktail. And you know me, I'm always for. Only thing I wouldn't be for would be a walk in a sketch neighborhood late at night. I mean, gang bang. Hell no.

But anyway, we met at local wine bar. Ordered a bottle of wine and we dished. Rather she dished. I just listened, critiqued, and advised. I don't know why people listen to me, but it could be I'm just rather frank and blunt. Too bad I don't listen to my own advise, cause I should. My life is in shambles. I do the things that others wish they could.

Her ex of 3 years called her last night. Uh oh. He got in a major car accident and broke both of his legs in many places. I said to her. Stop. Think. And get real. Why's he calling you? You haven't spoken or heard from him since you broke up 3 years ago. He's calling you because he's basically paralyzed. He did some life searching, soul searching, had a flash of death moment and realized you were the one....the one that got away. You broke up with him cause it didn't work. You two aren't good for each other. I lived through those 3 years with you. Do you forget how awful he treated you? Do not turn back to him because he's coming crying back to you. Uh huh honey, forgive and forget. Call me blunt, but he just wants to milk the moment to get back into your pants for however long he can. Remember, you are engaged. You're just having cold feet. You're nervous about committing the rest of your life away with someone. Which I can not do at this moment. Because I'm having too much fun eating all the candy in the candy store. I'm so fabulous I need to share my self with the world, except hoarding my self to only one guy.

She was like should she go to the hospital and visit him. I'm like hell no. That's giving him hope of a chance. You need to strip the chance from him. If you give a guy a hand, he's gonna think you want his cock. With a guy, its all about the cock. Guys think with their cocks. Remember that.

She walked away thinking I just gave her bad advice, but I know I told her the shit as the way any damn person should. Yes, I might have been a little rude and rather mean, but I had to live with that guy with my girlfriend for the 3 years of her life which she can never get back. And she's not ruining her beauty. It took such a long time for me to help her with her recovery into beauty. You should have seen her. When disaster strikes, there's a bitch to clean up LOL.

Anyway, I needed more cocktails. I kissed my friend goodnight and drove off to another bar in the endless see of nightlife madness.

Don't remember what happened. Everything get's hazy after I snorted a little. Hey, it was offered. A boy never refuses free shit. He only refuses if he's just not into you. You buy me a drink, ok. You give me a car, ok. But you still won't get into my pants. And just because you have money, doesn't mean I'm gonna be with you. I might be a gold digger, but I still have class and standards.

Anyway, I woke up this Sunday with two guys in my bed. Apparently I got wild. Stop. Rewind. I forgot about the two guys asleep on the floor. What happened last night? How the fuck did I get home? And drive? And why are all these guys naked? Well at least I'm satisfied this morning. A little hungover. Nothing coffee and vodka can't fix though. Now just cleaning up the mess. That also means throwing out the guys.

Here's to a lazy Sunday. Sex, drugs and rock and roll

Days 24-31 - Crisis with a Cop

So yesterday, I was super late for work. I forgot the nightly ritual of setting my alarm, which wouldn't have waken me up on time anyway. But I didn't wake up until 8:42am, when my dog whined like a little schoolgirl. He needed to go "pee-pee time." I threw something on. I didn't care that there was a stain on the shoulder. Whatever. I brushed and combed my hair and tried not to look like dweeber, Justin Bieber. Eww. Want to look my age and not like some innocent twinkie.

Arrived to work with essentials, alcohol, coffee, pills, etc. And realized that I forgot to remind my boss of his appointment. Called him freaking out. And than I had to drive there. What! And I had only 15 minutes to drive to a 45 minute place. Talk about driving reckless. I was driving into, swerving, onto, etc. I drove on the sidewalks, swerving in and out of pedestrians and cars. Lucky me, I didn't get pulled. Especially as how I was drinking and driving. My coffee was even spiked with a little Bailey's. My water was pure vodka. Geez.

Got there. And I had to do manual labor. Excuse me! Do I look like a beefy muscled guy?! No, I do not. I do not do heavy lifting. I direct. I tell. I order. I watch. I do not...do! And I sweat. And it was glistening. And it was making me look rather disgusting. I was melting like the Wicked Witch of the West.

And than I caught eye to the hot young contractor in the tight jeans, shirtless hard muscled physique, shirt wrapped around waist. Sweat dripping down from his bod.

Needless to say we exchanged numbers. He's going hit me up. But we really know what he wants LOL

On way back to office, I drove unlike my race. Asians are known for being bad drivers. And that's why we get pulled when we are only going 5 miles over the speed limit.

The cop said stuff to me like, "I'm gonna let you go with a warning, but next time I won't be so gentle with you, boy." And, "I know where you live." It was creepy. Cops should not do that or say that. Was it flirting? I don't care. It was scary.

I totally forgot about the cute cop until I got home. Precisely at 7:30pm, the cute cop knocked on my door. Dressed in civilan clothes. Threatening me to go out with him. Excuse me! That's not how to win somebody over. "I will write you a ticket if you do not go on a date with me." Ticket for what? Its my personal freedom if I want or do not want to go out with you.

I have, occasionally, stolen a few numbers from applications. But he's completely in the wrong. At least, I pretend that we exchanged numbers one night at some random bar. He is abusing his powers. Don't act all cocky, alpha male, dominant. I'm not some easy catch of the day. I'm the big fish. I'm a challenge.

But he was cute. And he is a cop. He has handcuffs. He could handcuff me. Arrest me in bed. The ideas and scenerios. Nunchunk me. Ohmygod. I'm getting aroused just with the thought of being with him.

But I spoke my fustrations and feelings to a close friend. She basically called me out for being a whore. A non-practicing prostitute. I'm more wild and more experienced than him. Thank you for calling me a whore. I'm a slut. And non-practicing prostitute means I do everything a prostitute does except receiving a payment. Thanks. I'm cheap and easy.

And I'm suppose to be seeing this divorced father with a 4 year old son. That appeals to me. All that anger and pent of sexual tension. That excites me LOL

I have a date with the cute cop tomorrow night. Not sure if I should be more excited about it. But I'm really not looking forward to it. For some reason.

What should a guy do? (That's a rhetorical question). I'm gonna follow my cock, dick, penis. Screw the heart. That's only caused heartbreaks and craziness.

I'm starting a religious sexual movement. Sexism. I am a sexist. I practice sex. Can I get an AMEN?!

Day 23 - The Morning After...

I feel like shit. I had a total of 11 guys that came and went. Fucked and left. I am exhausted. I did not sleep. If you count the actual amount of times I had sex yesterday it was way more than 11 times. Some of them I had to get double stuffed. Or triple. Or I wanted to badly stuff them LOL

I chugged a bottle of vodka with my Xanax and Adderall this morning. The coffee did nothing for me.

My ass is in pain. And it should be. After all those thrusting and rammings and pounds. I mean, I'm pounding. I can barely sit on my ass without squeeling and grimacing. I think I'm even bleeding a little. Probably too much for one person to handle.

But I do think I met Mr. Lucky last night. He spent the night over. I told the guy to come back later. He was middle and end. We exchanged numbers. I told him we can't be more than fuck buddies.

I've moved on after the Jeff. This guy has a dick of steel. And it never softened. He stayed erect until sunrise. I know that guy has no cum left whatsoever in him. He looked more exhausted than me. He said, "If you were a vampire, I'm pretty sure my body wouldn't have any more blood within me." Yes, I am crazy for this guy.

Here's to surviving the rest of my day. I have two water bottles. I'm about through with the second :)

I know you guys would love to hear more of these other 10 guys, but I will share with you this: one was married, one was single with kids, one was drunk, one was high, one was short, one was tall, and one was such a jock you could just eat off his washboard abs.

I might've met Mr. Lucky last night, but that doesn't mean I didn't get some of the other hotties's numbers. I'm single. I'm looking. I've got needs. And I'm hornier than the energizer bunny ;) I just keep going and going and going.

But I would prefer to be cumming, and cumming, and cumming, and cumming.... alone with my rabbit.

But screw the rabbit, I want to be fucking, fucking, fucking, and fucking...

The morning after might suck, but my ass is sure content :)

Days 18-22 - S.A.D. Day

Today is the dreaded Hallmark card holiday of love. The day where couples proclaim their love publicly. I hate PDA (public display of affection). I hate how couples rub it in your face that they are in love and you are lonely and single and miserable.

Well, screw feeling miserable. I'm embracing my fabulous self. I'm treating myself to a single man's night. I'm celebrating SAD (single awareness day). I'm single and proud and hear me roar.

You have your Valentine's Day. I hope you get VD on V Day. I'm gonna love myself today. I'm treating myself to something I should have bought myself weeks, months, years ago. A rabbit. Not the pet or animal. The fucking dildo.

Why am I complaining about being alone on this day of couple loving? Because I ditched the Jeff on the side of the road. I said, "Hit the road Jack." And he was like, "Jack's not my name." And I was like, "Who gives. Get the fuck out of my house. I never want to see your sorry ass ever again."

I got rid of the baggage that was weighing me down. Now I can finally be free. Now I can sleep. Now I'm normal. I'm back to bringing vodka to work. Popping my Xanax and Adderall at all hours of the day. I haven't found a new boy-toy or replacement action figurine, but eventually I'll get my groove back. Don't expect me to be benching for too long.

For the mean time, I am, right now, enjoying being single. That means I'm wearing boys like I wear my underwear. I'm going through boys like a little kid in a candy store. My attention spane is less than a minute. I wore two boys last night. At different times. Come tonight... I'm hoping to have a drop your pants, fuck and go night. I want a train of boys coming and going. And cumming and going if you know what I mean. I hope to be cumming lots tonight. I'll update you on my SAD night ;) Hope you get a little sexual satifaction this evening too. Hope you cum and have the best orgasm of the year... thus far LOL

XOXO 1010

Days 9-17 - Bored and wanting non-spicy

I've been on Cloud 9 sex for over a week. Trying to juggle everything in my hectic life around Jeff's cock-meat-sandwich fuck-fest session times. The boy has a libetto the size of a green pea. I do not know who or what could be any hornier than him. A rabbit maybe. Its as if the Jeff is always horny. I mean, that's great an all. But I want more than rip my clothes off, push me onto the bed, slap me, bite me, spank me silly, rough sex. I got bruises from him all over my body. You know how many stories I have had to make up to explain those marks. How do you explain bruising from being tied up? Its not that easy and simple huh.

The Jeff is a freak. Kinkier than even I think most Japanese men are. Its as if I'm bringing out his wild, freaky, crazy side out. I want that to go back in. Because I like spice, but he's boring me. All these gag me sessions, is about to exhaust me to sleep. I've been there a week ago. We've done that a week ago. Can we move on already?? I want normal. I want cuddling. I don't want to feel like a fucking punching bag.

I've even stopped answering his texts and phone calls. I'm starting to enjoy cuddling with my dog, Reggae more than the Jeff. The Jeff needs to cool himself. And to think, I was all excited when he told me he broke up with his girlfriend for over 3 years. NO!!!! I should have been like, "We are just fucking. I don't want anything serious!" That should have been a sign. But, I agreed foolishly to try to be in a relationship with him. But nothing has changed. We still ONLY fuck. And fucking is all we do. How is that a relationship? And boy, now you rim my ass. I don't want you to eat me, I want you to take me out to eat. Feed me. I don't want to be the objection of your sexual satisfaction.

And he wants me every second of the day. He even tells me that in his text messages. Which I thought were sweet, but now are getting excessively clingy. He got mad on Saturday when I got out of the bed. He got mad when I put clothes on. He wants me in bed and naked 24/7. I'm not a fucking sex slave.

I'm bored with the Jeff. I'm starting not to even miss him. I've washed and rewashed everything in my house to get rid of his scent, his smell, etc. My house smells like scented candles, Febreeze, etc. When I was with the Jeff, I stopped drinking and popping pills. Now that I'm avoiding him, I'm still not. I want to make sure I have a clear judgment to make the smart decision. The right decision.

I might be Asian. And Asians are suppose to enjoy spicy cuisine. And I do have a few of my own kinks. But I want goddamn fucking Italian food. I want pizza. I want a hamburger. I want normal. I want the Jeff out of my life. I want to have no more bruises. I want to sleep.

Steps to get the Jeff out of my life:

1. Get a new cell phone number
2. Find a new gym
3. If I could move, I would, but I'm in a contract. My lease isn't up quite yet. So concealed weapons license. Learn to fire and operate a handgun

I'm through with boys.....or until I meet the next fuck up. I can't say no to boys for too long, or else risking into turning into an old maid. If anything, Samantha is my idol. And I look up to her. This is sex in my city. And my pussy is the Empire State Building, honey.

Days 3-8 - Quitting isn't enticing

So I've been fucked up and busy fucking. Its hard having to deal with some guys schedule. And yes, I'm still fucking that hot guy from the gym. He has a name. He's no longer meat status. You know, after so long "with" the guy, its just rude to not know his name. Jeff. Jeff's amazing. And he just seems to get better with each practice session. Like, he wants to just make me happy. He wants me to orgasm during my orgasms. Isn't that amazing?

I can't say no to his, "where are you?' texts. Its straight guy for, "let's fuck." And I don't mind if he is putting me in the fucking category, cause I'm so down to fuck. Its hard these days to find a decent guy to fuck on a regular basis. And Jeff, well, he's decent. He always showers... before and after.

The after showers are.....a little weird for me. Its like he's sanctifying himself. Cleansing himself. I don't know. Like, he wants to make sure my dirtiness is wiped off from him. I'm always like really. But he does have a good excuse. "I don't want to smell like sex, ass, and balls to my girlfriend." Jeff, just admit it. YOU'RE GAY.

I can not believe this but I'm working my schedule around him. Like today, I was like I'm going to quit fucking Jeff for some days. And he texts me during lunch, "where you at babes?" One babes, it made me blush and grin and smile and I was like, "Do I like....him?" And I was thinking to myself, "No, you can not. But I really so want to. But than I'll be hungry. Screw hunger. Let's lose weight. Anorexia is so in. Let's get anorexic."

I'm all exhausted from the fucking. And I can not say no. Screw Nancy Reagan and her "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign. I say yes. Yes I'm getting fucked up. And yes, I'm not backing down. I'm going be the first to snort, inject, smoke whatever shit comes my way Ms. Nancy. But damn, my ass is sure happy. And I've lost like 5 or so pounds. I say happy days are here again. And if Jeff is my drug, I'm gonna overdose myself. I want more.

Jeff is just another guy, whose been in my ass. Its not Jeff that I like, its his cock. And his penetration. His intensity.

Ok, so maybe its Jeff, who I really like. But I'm only liking him cause he fucks me. And I'm hoping he continues to fuck me. Or else I'll be fucking stalking his ass ;-)

BTW, sorry for my hiatus, as you can, rather read, I've been busy fucking. So, please don't hate if I'm being slow with the updates. A boys got to do what a boys got to do. And that's fucking...that.

Day 2 - Fuck it. Follow your gut

I made a huge mistake. And I regret it...

I left my water bottle today unattended. I almost got caught with cheap alcohol at work. I went to the bathroom for no more than like 5 minutes and when I came back I caught one of the associates trying to take a sip from the bottle. First, that's disgusting. Who does that? I do not want to share spit with employees. Anyway, that would not have been good. Close call. Reminder to self, take water bottle with you. Do not leave it unattended.

I went to the gym today. Did some soul-searching and decided it was pretty fucking stupid of myself to not feel the cute guy up. When I was working out I couldn't concentrate. I was too busy looking for him. And he was no where to be seen. It was disappointing. I decided to take a break from one of the machines to just cool off. He snuck up from behind me and said, "If you aren't using the machine move to allow somebody else to use it." I would have normally thought this rude, but he was just smiling at me. I looked at him. Smiled. And was happy to see him. But I'm not going to admit that to him. I want to keep him guessing.

We spoke. I never really talked with a guy at the gym. He was fun to work out with. And he has a very nice body to focus on. I think I was drooling over his body at one point. Fucking embarrassing.

He got up and walked towards the bathroom and stopped mid-way. Looked back to me and cocked his head toward the bathroom. Was he beckoning me on with him? No way, right?! Anyway I went to inspect. I pretended I had to use the bathroom and he waited patiently in the back.

I finished my business and he was like you're a hot guy and such. That he has a girlfriend and stuff. And I was like fucking right whatever. He acted all shy and uncomfortable in the bathroom. That should have stopped me from being all fucking aggressive to him but it didn't. I was on him like white on rice.

I can't remember the last time I gave a blowjob to a guy in the bathroom. Probably was high school maybe. I didn't swallow. For one the guy's cum tasted like shit. Don't know what that guy eats but something he consumes reeks. But otherwise I know he enjoyed the head. He blew in my mouth in matter of moments. It was like his cock was saying he hadn't had good head in a while. I'm glad his cock was fucking excited to be in my mouth. But he needs to start eating pineapple.

I walked out of the bathroom while he was still getting situated. He followed me down the stairs and out of the gym. He said that was the first time he was with a guy. That he never did anything like that before. And I actually sort of believed him but I think I came across as a bitch because I was like I don't give a shit. And I don't want anything more to do with him. I want him to walk away. I gave you head so now walk on by. You know?! But he stayed like a lost puppy. A cute one though.

He asked for my number and I was like, "what about your girlfriend?" He said he wanted to keep in touch. I don't know what I was thinking in actually giving him my digits. Should have given him 10 fake digits, but I was thinking that was mean and rude. And I wouldn't want a guy to do that to me. Right?! Do I really want to meet him up again? And he walked away by saying, "See you tomorrow night at the gym."

I really don't want to see him again. I want him to avoid me. Like nothing ever happened. For him to go on with his business like we never met. I really want to cancel my gym membership and find a new gym so we don't have to bump into each other and have one of those many awkward moments. But I like the gym I go to. Fuck me.

What was I thinking by following my gut? Nothing ever good happens. I just fuck up. I should be smart. Why do you doubt yourself when you make the right decision? And how do you always know when you made the wrong one? It makes no sense. Fuck my life.

Day 1 - Admit you have a problem

There are 4 things that get me through the day.

1. Starbucks coffee
2. My water bottle filled with cheap alcohol
3. Xanax
4. Facebook

I work as an office assistant (and please do not call me a secretary). Not much goes on the average day. Normally I just do absolutely nothing and get paid to sit on my ass and sound like a bitch to customers who need to pay their balance. I like my job. However, it does have its moments.

And yes, I drink on the job. I carry in my morning Starbucks with me into the office to waken me up everyday. Without my morning Joe I would be all over the place. Trust me. I would look and act rough. On my lunch break, I even purchase another round of my grande size house coffee from Starbucks. Without this essential caffeine, I would be a walking zombie. I wouldn't be able to last in the boring answering of phone calls.

Onto the water bottle. What people assume is water is not going to hurt them. Why must I reveal the true contents of my container? That's only for me to know. Again, alcohol is the only thing that's consistent in my life. The taste doesn't up and change on me.

Xanax it keeps me going like the coffee. I need to seem alive and not dead. Right? And perky is so in. Smile

Facebook. When I'm bored I'm scrolling through stalking every bloat that's worth stalking. Sometimes meeting random people on there. Smile

But speaking of problems, I am a regular at my local YMCA. I go to workout and exercise and sweat and relieve what stress I have.

However, tonight while I was at the gym there was this really cute guy checking me out. And you know when somebody is checking you out! It creates an awkward moment. Like what do you do?

Anyway, I glanced over at him. And even I couldn't stop glancing and staring and checking him out. I think I even smiled at him.

I got up and went to the water fountain and when I finished he was there next to me. He smiled and looked at me. He didn't say one word. I didn't know how to react. I mean, I'm all disgusting and sweaty and being approached. I mean, the gym isn't a bar. Are you suppose to hookup with random strangers from the gym?

That's my dilemma. That's when I realized I had a problem. And I'm thinking I made a pretty bad decision of walking away. Should I have feeled him all up?

I have a problem. And its with guys. Boys boys boys.

Who am I?

I am a fuck up. I have fucked up.

I am a self-proclaimed alcoholic. But what twenty-something isn't?

I sometimes find that the only thing that's consistent in my life is the cocktail that I consume. My drink is the only thing that doesn't change in my fucking chaotic life.

I'm a whore. I go to random guys' home or I bring random guys home with me from the bar. When I'm drunk, I don't want to be left alone.

I'm a whore, not a slut. There's a difference. A slut is easy regardless. A whore is easy when drunk. Basically, I'm being taken advantage of. So what if I'm a little friendly and flirty when I drink? That still doesn't give you the right to touch my ass.

I find that the only sex that is enjoyable is the one where alcohol is involved. Maybe that's because I don't find sex enjoyable period. Or maybe I haven't found the right guy who knows how to operate their equipment. The motion in the ocean is just not cutting it out for me. Sorry guys, sex bores me.

However, I'm horny all the time. All day. I could eat sex for breakfast and still want more.

I'm difficult. I'm a challenge. I don't even understand what's going on in my life. I can't keep up with everything or the pressures.

That's probably why I'm such a dick, an ass, a jerk, a bitch.

I am a fuck up. I have fucked up. I will fuck up. I am fucked. Fuck me.